Thoughts on impulse

No time before it's too soon

No time after it's too late

Time's getting old, time's over now

Don't try to be on time

Don't try to run after time

Time's getting on, time's over now

I'm a little boy, you're a little girl

Once upon a time

..Imagination: 50 years onwards...

...

He says, "If only we did, imagine how we would have turned out," She says, "Elope? Probably, we'd have ran down south," "And then in a bachelor's pad" "Just two of us" "Once we've saved up, we'd have migrated to some obscure part of the world where no one stereotypes of judges people for their shortcomings and past faults," "Start a life anonymously" "One to share" "Lost in our own little world" "No more cares, just...if only" She says, "If only..but it's too late now, isn't it? (Smiles) Goodness, and I've been telling you my life concept of living the present, forget the past, leave future alone'..." He says, "But I know you too well, you can never let go of the past," "Too late...too late"

Too late.

I don't want this to happen! I won't let it...hopefully..

Mamak Talk #1

A friend had a little chat with me today. She's always the kind that puts down everything you do as useless or 'ma-fan', but with no malicious intent whatsoever. Just like a big sis.

Usual lunch time at 4pmish...the banter would always be about finding part-time jobs, internships, scholarships, relationships, fake friendships and ugh, no more ships please. (The pun CANNOT be avoided). When I get a say in my social lifestyle, she often just brings out her own in comparison. But this time she surprised me by showing her unhidden disapproval of my open-mindedness. And everytime I try to rebut saying this was how I brought myself up (& that mother has given up on me a long time ago), she tells me that if I want to work in a professional field, I must watch my reputation and keep up a good lifestyle, that I must not be so unconventional, and open-minded. Otherwise, I'll scare all the (laugh) good guys away and end up in shambles.

Alright, what made her blow off? I told her that I wanted to start an open-relationship with a boy who's probably looking for the same sort of thing, since he's been asking from early 2007. Well, her tastes in men is completely different from mine...I don't care how much he earns, (as long as he earns something decent enough to support his own life), I don't want him to spend me, (I'm fine by myself, thank you), and I sure as hell don't give a damn about his social status. All I looked for if I were to settle down, is someone who can hold intellectually stimulating conversations at any time given. Bukan cakap kosongs 24/7. (Not that the above-mentioned boy could, but a play doesn't hurt, does it ;) )

Well, she gawked at the last sentence, and gave up (for the 1st time!) by just nodding her head to anything more I had to say. Now! The chance to defend myself! Different people, different lifestyle, different job field and personality. THAT'S ALL.

I was stopped by the mamak gesture of shooing us away by wiping tables beside us vigorously. Goodbye good riddance.

Looking back at 2007

Quite a year. Plenty of changes, I might add. Could be a whole book by itself. But it's a chapter I prefer to erase from my life...

Well, my Mandarin's improved by leaps and bounds ever since I hung out with my new Chinese ed classmates. God knows how I actually found anything in common with them, but it's been a year and I've lost count of the times we all went on makan sessions, clubbing, and holidaying. I surprise myself, because not long ago, I hated ALL the Chinese ed ppl. Could be because I'm jealous of their control over the language, or that mother compares me with my peer/cousin all the time. They're not bad actually, quite a fun lot.

Speaking of college friends, it seems to be to my mentor that I have turned shallow on him. I told him I had to dumb down for them. To fit in. Speaking of which again, it was my previous year's resolution to BE normal. And so it had been. How I hate it. I'm boring myself to death to fit in these bunch of ignoramuses who can't be bothered to think about anything else but the next meal, or shopping sprees, or charity work, student organizations. How terribly earthly, how mundane. Why me?

..Flings, in total 5..could be more. I'm not proud of the number, but I keep telling myself it's better than falling blindly into a relationship when I don't even understand the meaning of the L word. How do you feel it, when you don't even know how to 'it'? No going into relationships for the sake of it, I'm not saying that I plan to be a spinster for the rest of my life, or that I am an anti-social..It's just that I don't believe in instant love anymore. Tried and tested; what, don't tell me if he asks you to be his gf, the both of you will be in true love in a nano2nd? BOSH!

Oh, I made a personal vow to myself; no relationships for the year 07. Kept to my word, but is it just me, or are the pangs of loneliness from deep inside showing up? I'm a bit of a fool in this L. Too much reminiscences. I'm a sentimental fool. Tears spring up everytime I think of that one person who brought me close to the almighty emotional connection. I still L him, or I think I do. What's the fucking big deal with this L word? I don't think it even exists. A horrible single word made by man to brutally mash up all the wonderful feelings of companionship, intimacy, passion, compassion, fondness, comfort, contentment, confusion, dizziness, sickness, fury, jealousy, lust.

19, the last year of teenhood. I told everyone I'd end the year in style, but I've been drained out of creative juice ever since the fashion contest. EXCUSES, PAH! I'm still the same in places I don't want to keep. Laziness, procrastinator, and one with no sense of urgency. Forgive me, father time. I can't be bothered. BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER