The double-edged sword

Should I have even started?
If I was planning the end from the start.

And with that, concludes this open vault of my thoughts.

It's in the name

Did I choose to mindlessly deliberately (lol) copy&chop up the name of a well-known book series? (Which I must say, is interesting, but not enough to grab my attention to donate my precious time for the 7)

Oh what a coincidence!

The name came to me subconsciously, say what you want, but that's that.

I was thinking 5 years ago;

• Yeah, I get lucky at times..but how often am I actually happy?
• I'm not exactly disaster-prone either
• 70% of the time I'm manic-depressive, not to the point of wall-head banging
• I'm a Wednesday child, but woe isn't exactly me
• I'm not the first thought that comes to ppl's minds on the word 'happy'
• My good things happen, the bad things happen more...but they rarely do obstruct the former..sometimes

Tadah. The simplicity, not mod, not minimalist, not pompous. Just me, 'the words can't seem to come to mind'. My life is fortunate, but not so exactly. Ambiguity. Lalalalalala. (Or maybe I might have heard/read/seen it somewhere subconsciously. wahahaha)

Speaking of luck, I finally booked a spot in the Bratz, a young journalist programme held by The Star @ one-way-internship-ticket & your only chance to get a job as a columnist. The minimum age requirement is 16 and the oldest; 19. The master of procrastinator had waited & waited to turn 16 for her chance and continued waiting till the last moment; 19.

Am I treasuring a moment I once held on a pedestal of sorts? Hmm, writing is a forte, but not exactly a passion...it's the things I write about. Impurity...heh, sorry oh-countless-newsletters, I'm a fake 'writer'.

Temporary contentment

Thursday, October 05, 2006 Suicidal notes

How I miss my childhood.
The carefree days.
Everything was clean and fun.
Now, it all seems murky and all in a disarray.

I am in a dream.
A dream that will end soon.
I am still living out my childhood.
To your eyes, I am a young woman.
In my heart, I am forever a child.

Oh, how I will miss the days without worries and thoughts.
I want to end my life before it is too late.
Stop my life at the age before becoming ...
To make my dream an everlasting one..
Will be pure bliss for me.

Alas, fear stopped me.
Curiosity told me to continue with my dreaded life
"Wouldn't you love to know what's to become of you?"
What's to become of me?
Oh, what's to become of me?


I went through my old posts and one caught my eye..
And to think I had written this 2 years ago...Let me explain the 2nd and 3rd verse.

I was afraid of 'growing up', or otherwise losing my sense of curiosity and independence of thought. Caught in the realm of 'becoming', I knew I was soon losing my sense of individuality, hence the desire to kill myself. Well, the dream ended not too long after I wrote that.

The mind grows in two ways. From the innocenct inquisitive mind of a child; into a conditioned adult mind, or one who questions forever. I was in between, the frustration...but now it doesn't matter. My mind is now lost in the realm of me. I don't have to worry about adaptation or fitting in for now. So as long I have my mask in handy :)

The teacher

I had a mentor.

She shared the same name with me...an adopted child (found out in later years), a year older.

She had courage, the guts to speak against anyone who opposed her and was never afraid to display her immense hatred for the headmistress.

Tough; remaining strong even after they transferred her to Henry Gurney's

Cold, ruthless and strong; bashing in the heads of fellow schoolmates who got on her nerves despite being outnumbered.

Yet all in all; she was nice to me, accepting the outsider, the outcast, the pipsqueak junior into her gang of school bad hats.

And that was enough to create a new mission in life; to make sure no one else suffers the same fate as I, being left out.

And then she left.

Without a note, only the wind telling me that you left your parents, had a child, cohabiting with your lover, substance abuse...the works. Funny, I didn't feel a loss.

Because I have someone else now to teach me more. Love of the life, friend for eternity, dear old Henry. :)

Looking back at 2007

Quite a year. Plenty of changes, I might add. Could be a whole book by itself. But it's a chapter I prefer to erase from my life...

Well, my Mandarin's improved by leaps and bounds ever since I hung out with my new Chinese ed classmates. God knows how I actually found anything in common with them, but it's been a year and I've lost count of the times we all went on makan sessions, clubbing, and holidaying. I surprise myself, because not long ago, I hated ALL the Chinese ed ppl. Could be because I'm jealous of their control over the language, or that mother compares me with my peer/cousin all the time. They're not bad actually, quite a fun lot.

Speaking of college friends, it seems to be to my mentor that I have turned shallow on him. I told him I had to dumb down for them. To fit in. Speaking of which again, it was my previous year's resolution to BE normal. And so it had been. How I hate it. I'm boring myself to death to fit in these bunch of ignoramuses who can't be bothered to think about anything else but the next meal, or shopping sprees, or charity work, student organizations. How terribly earthly, how mundane. Why me?

..Flings, in total 5..could be more. I'm not proud of the number, but I keep telling myself it's better than falling blindly into a relationship when I don't even understand the meaning of the L word. How do you feel it, when you don't even know how to 'it'? No going into relationships for the sake of it, I'm not saying that I plan to be a spinster for the rest of my life, or that I am an anti-social..It's just that I don't believe in instant love anymore. Tried and tested; what, don't tell me if he asks you to be his gf, the both of you will be in true love in a nano2nd? BOSH!

Oh, I made a personal vow to myself; no relationships for the year 07. Kept to my word, but is it just me, or are the pangs of loneliness from deep inside showing up? I'm a bit of a fool in this L. Too much reminiscences. I'm a sentimental fool. Tears spring up everytime I think of that one person who brought me close to the almighty emotional connection. I still L him, or I think I do. What's the fucking big deal with this L word? I don't think it even exists. A horrible single word made by man to brutally mash up all the wonderful feelings of companionship, intimacy, passion, compassion, fondness, comfort, contentment, confusion, dizziness, sickness, fury, jealousy, lust.

19, the last year of teenhood. I told everyone I'd end the year in style, but I've been drained out of creative juice ever since the fashion contest. EXCUSES, PAH! I'm still the same in places I don't want to keep. Laziness, procrastinator, and one with no sense of urgency. Forgive me, father time. I can't be bothered. BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER

A bad omen

The neighbors' dog has been howling and wailing for the past few nights. Mother says it's a sign something bad's about to happen. Usually I dismiss these things with scientific proof and research, but I don't let it go all the way.

The little device of doom

I still remember the time I worshipped the hand phone. How I begged ( & bugged) my parents every single day to get me one. It's funny how I believed that once I get it, my social life would improve on the spot.

Yes, sure it has improved my social life; winning some friends, dates, ons(!) & enemies. Oh, the diversity of the new ppl I meet is so refreshing, & shopping trips with my friends are so much more easier to organize. No more need to sneak around borrowing my parents' phones or using the public phones..hahaha.

The phone has actually brought me more pain than joy. Alright, alright....so a recent bad event had a huge impact on me. Big shit. I'm learning to deal with it all...soon, I can boast about having experienced every single thing a youth of the 21st-century should have...well, it's nothing to be proud of really. I've been more thick-skinned these days...less dependent or obsessive. Just chilling with life...back to depression. The norm. A "happy michelle" just doesn't sound right.

KL the city of hell

The big city.

How terrifying.

I've been there a couple of times this year and I didn't like it at all.

Cramped. Humongous. Tall. Monotonous. Loud. Busy.

So different from the demure Kajang town. Everything is relaxed here. (and there's lots of space to move around) Whenever I think of that place, my heart skips a beat. Like fish out of water...Somehow the steely exterior makes me feel inferior to everyone else living there, especially near Istana Budaya...I hated that place.

I'm moving there.

Well, nearby. There's the consolation for me.

Is there such a thing as half-a-banana?

Every time I hear people speak in Mandarin, I cringe in discomfort. It's not that I cannot speak my mother tongue, as a matter of fact, I can easily converse with my Chinese speaking classmates using basic Mandarin. Limited, yes...but better than nothing. In my class, 3 out 9 Chinese girls are ( half) illiterate in Chinese. One of them is me. The other two are; a nyonya's child from Melaka; & a Javanese girl. They got their excuses. Where's mine? The years of my life before I touched 10 were spent living in strictly Chinese households.

Language plays such an important role in the modern world. ( Arghh! I used another cliche)Which was why my mother drilled English in me even before I touched earth. I can still remember all the fairy tales and nursery rhymes she taught me so well. In the process, I guess I did learn smatterings of the Chinese language here and there from my grandparents but I suspect I lost most of my memory of it while I grew up. My grandmother hinted that I was once good at it. Now our relationship is limited to...how shall I say this...an adult talking to an illiterate toddler.

I was in love with the English language, the language the British brought to our land in the process of colonization. In school, no one bothered that I could not really speak in Mandarin. All the teachers praised my knowledge of English so much that I became conceited with myself. I prided myself, foolishly calling myself an " English girl". You cannot imagine how much I wish to strangle myself when some primary school teachers repeat that much hated phrase. Despite all that, I do not blame my mother for doing what she did. People tell me how much they admire my fluency in English. Teachers spend their time in-between-lessons reading my essays; dissecting and giving their personal opinions in the staff room as though they were book reviewers.

However happy I am with my current state, if I could live my live all over again, I'd choose to learn my mother tongue over English. For pride's sake, for pride's sake...

What's gotten into me?

Recently,

-I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to do like go for tuition

-I might enquire the use of hearing aids soon

-My friends are pulling out white hair of my head on a more frequent basis

-I'm disapproving Hitz.fm

-Instead I'm listening to Light&Easy Moonlight Mood. Gee, I never thought Frank Sinatra could sound so wonderful.

-Instead of going down with a fight, I'd rather surrender and give in to my parents' demands

-I'm becoming more lethargic each day. Hyperactive girl is becoming active-girl.

-Crankier and very disapproving of unnecessary shrieks and loud talking in my class.


Good Lord...I think I'm suffering from premature ageing.