Death Pt.1

The state of being dead.

When the soul leaves the body. A note on that, a physicist conducted an experiment by placing a man on his deathbed (literally) on a scale. As he breathed his last, an unexplainable 0.020kg was deducted from the original weight minus the bed. Souls have weight? Oh well...

Am I frightened by death? Not really. It's the transition process I'm worried about because no one has talked about it before. Maybe I'm afraid of what's after death too due to influence from my religion. The maker or the baker. Anyway, you don't go to heaven straightaway unless you martyred. The place is called purgatory, where you do your atonement...its white fires are said to be more painful than the ones below...

I have been experiencing death of close ones around me since young, be it a puppy or a great grandma or grandad. I remember playing with the paper effigies for my favorite great-grandma's funeral.
I did not grieve when my grandfather was on his deathbed, I remember drawing the funeral scene on the magnetic board only to receive a smack from my mom. Only at the funeral, my mom told me that I wouldn't see him anymore. That induced me to tears ( although I think it was more of the fact that there will be no more daily RM0.20 ketupats and rides from the school).

I thought I handled death pretty well for a young girl. Must be those science articles on death. Or reading obituaries with a passion. Once you're dead, you're gone. No emotions involved. They die because their body failed to function or accident happens.

Later years, death held a more significant meaning in my life. Friends say I've lost 2 out of 9 lives. Close one. Another incident really shook me up; death of a close friend's sister. Worse, she was talking to me the day before. Even worse, I became hysterical and depressed.I did loads of crazy things that I regret now. Now, my grandmother has a confirmed visit from death somewhere in the near future. She has cancer, like her deceased husband, just that she doesn't want to go for the treatment. (more painful she says).

I'm not saddened by that. But I don't think I would be able to take it anymore if anyone else around me died. Worse if I could have prevented it. Life is not as meaningful as it used to be anymore.

SPaMmed

Bahasa Melayu: screwed the lit. part. Everything came out as unexpected.

English: Screwed the conclusion to my essay. Format all wrong for informal letter. ( hopefully, they won't deduct marks for format in directed writing) Wrongly gave the meaning of the metaphor 'ages' in Frost's poem. It meant 'years', not a long time ago, you doofus Michelle. He was talking about his future!

History: Predicted everything that came out (Not that I really studied those) except the question on K-ekonomi. What was that? I didn't even know it existed. (Later, I found out painfully that it stands for Knowledge-economy in Chapter 9) Made up my own history of Malaysia. History was never my forte anyway.

Mathematics: Screwed up the objective part. 50% guessing work. And this is coming from a girl who scored the highest in the class twice! (100% & 97%) Subjective was not so bad, but I did a mistake in making a converse of a statement (akas? what the hell was that? Maths is supposed to be working on numbers, not on our vocabulary skills, damn it!) and drawing a graph polygon..

English for Science and Technology: Guaranteed 1A. I'm sure. Funny paper, they asked us about cats..

Literature in English: Arghh!!! (need I say more? Yeah, I wish I didn't skip class so much, thank you teacher for reminding me unintentionally)

Physics: Ooh, I love you more as each day passes. Though I screwed up my essays, I'm sorry that I neglected you after trials...

Chemistry: Wellll~ I did tell my parents I was aiming for a B. So a B I will get. (It was hard!)

Moral: Oh dear, this is the best paper ever! Ha ha, only one question came out on definisi!! So I only lost 2 marks out of 100. In your face ( to those who mindlessly memorize all the moral values' definitions)

Biology: another one worthy of an ARGHHHHHH~ What went wrong? I don't know. What I know is that it was freaking hard. Just praying that the graph will be VERY, VERY LOW. Then maybe I'll touch an A...Ha-ha-ha..

Bible Knowledge: Wait for it

*Updates coming soon*

Heartbroken

Looking through the papers this morning, I spotted my friend's face among those who have received the SASA scholarship award from HELP. Hell, I didn't even know there was a scholarship offered for outstanding students. I went to the website out of curiosity (and jealousy) & found out that only schools which were selected by HELP are eligible to send their students to apply for the SASA. Which means that my school was left out by them. How sad...

Not giving up hope, I went through the page on 'qualifications' to apply for a full/partial scholarship. Well, there's no way on earth I can qualify for a full' but the minimum As (1As, mind you) to get RM 8000 was 8. Loans were offered, but that's not what I was looking for. Then there was this scholarship offered based on your trials results which required (my heart skipped a beat) 9 1As. Damn it, I only got 6 1As and 2 2As for my trials. I really want to get a scholarship from HELP, yes maybe others need it more than I do. Financial issues do not pose a problem for me, I see the scholarship as a sort of trophy for all the shit years you put up in school. But then again, who am I kidding?

I am definitely, by no means an OUTSTANDING student. Nor am I someone with exemplary leadership qualities; instead I can be a good team player, or work well as a loner. I am good in my own way, lazy, but once pressured I will promise excellent results. Maybe I should try another place like INTI (they have a scholarship which I am eligible for) but I really want to go into HELP because of factors like its nearby distance to my new house, its conducive environment & its helpful lecturers. So please don't label me as a fussy or a selfish, ungrateful girl...I just can't help it.

Something tells me that I should try something out of the mainly academic genre.( which I... & my parents are so obsessed of currently) Come to think of it, I still don't know what to do after SPM. Well, my current plan is to study A-level, but what's next? Do I pursue my dreams, needs, hobbies or what I'm good at? Sigh, something tells me that I should just stop blogging and get back to studying, which I hardly do.

Wrong way in the brain

Remember when I said I needed a sense of urgency to get started on SPM? I'm starting to feel it. What I'm afraid of is that it is just at the brink of turning into panic. No. That's something I wouldn't want, not especially now!

Well, the only good thing I've done that I can brag about is that I have analyzed and come up with a compilation of what will come up for SPM. That's to be used in an open-discussion/ meeting tomorrow with some close friends. They got their own sources too..hee hee, top secret...it's fun doing this, it's like being in a top mafia gang or something.

At the same time, my mind keeps finding things for me to do to keep my mind off my impending doom. ( euphemism for 'having an excuse') I've been reading plenty of books lately; just finished Great Expectations by Charles Dickens yesterday & an obscure one by Sidney Sheldon last week. And of all times, my mind has to bring back thoughts of the ex...BANISH THEM, DAMN THEM ALL!!! ARGHHH...SPM stress? nooooo~

"If only language didn't exist, then my mind wouldn't be enshrouded in
thoughts all the time..."

KL the city of hell

The big city.

How terrifying.

I've been there a couple of times this year and I didn't like it at all.

Cramped. Humongous. Tall. Monotonous. Loud. Busy.

So different from the demure Kajang town. Everything is relaxed here. (and there's lots of space to move around) Whenever I think of that place, my heart skips a beat. Like fish out of water...Somehow the steely exterior makes me feel inferior to everyone else living there, especially near Istana Budaya...I hated that place.

I'm moving there.

Well, nearby. There's the consolation for me.

SPM in less than a month? Humbug.

I really need to get in the mood for SPM.
It's uncanny not to feel nervous or excited for somthing so important in your secondary school life. Well, I don't really see what is soooo important about SPM because it won't necessarilly gurantee you a sucessful career anyway. (Define sucessful...hmm..another day) Well, it helps to get scholarships, but I guess that's about it.

Hold on a second, I'm doing it again!! THAT'S the attitude I need to get rid off. I have to fell urgent, panicky..whatever those newspaper articles say about feeling panicky about exams are so untrue (for me). I work best under pressure...like the incident early this year. English teacher admonished me for not doing holiday homework-Next day at school, finished 6 essays in a pop..with distinction! Still..I don't feel the urge to pick up a book.

Is there such a thing as half-a-banana?

Every time I hear people speak in Mandarin, I cringe in discomfort. It's not that I cannot speak my mother tongue, as a matter of fact, I can easily converse with my Chinese speaking classmates using basic Mandarin. Limited, yes...but better than nothing. In my class, 3 out 9 Chinese girls are ( half) illiterate in Chinese. One of them is me. The other two are; a nyonya's child from Melaka; & a Javanese girl. They got their excuses. Where's mine? The years of my life before I touched 10 were spent living in strictly Chinese households.

Language plays such an important role in the modern world. ( Arghh! I used another cliche)Which was why my mother drilled English in me even before I touched earth. I can still remember all the fairy tales and nursery rhymes she taught me so well. In the process, I guess I did learn smatterings of the Chinese language here and there from my grandparents but I suspect I lost most of my memory of it while I grew up. My grandmother hinted that I was once good at it. Now our relationship is limited to...how shall I say this...an adult talking to an illiterate toddler.

I was in love with the English language, the language the British brought to our land in the process of colonization. In school, no one bothered that I could not really speak in Mandarin. All the teachers praised my knowledge of English so much that I became conceited with myself. I prided myself, foolishly calling myself an " English girl". You cannot imagine how much I wish to strangle myself when some primary school teachers repeat that much hated phrase. Despite all that, I do not blame my mother for doing what she did. People tell me how much they admire my fluency in English. Teachers spend their time in-between-lessons reading my essays; dissecting and giving their personal opinions in the staff room as though they were book reviewers.

However happy I am with my current state, if I could live my live all over again, I'd choose to learn my mother tongue over English. For pride's sake, for pride's sake...

Dilemmas again? Sheeesh.

Not on the SPM examination..which in coming in 32 days by the way. I should be studying by now.


I had a little dilemma on whether to start the A-levels programme in January or March.
Why A-levels? Because I can't do anything else. SAM, Canadian and Monash are out of my league. ( In terms of cash)
Can't take the government's matriculation because I dropped Additional Mathematics. Can't apply for IPTA (Local Universities) because the only one that offers a course to my liking is the MARA college; that is only open for Bumiputeras..

Starting in January means less time to rest after SPM, no time to work at all. Though I can find a part-time job, well, to put it simply I'm desperate for money! Hell, blame the material girl in me. However, I'd like to start early, because I can finish earlier. Lol...I'm pretty excited about college life.

Starting in March would mean: More "Michelle" time. More money. And, I might get some scholarship offers from some college or something. But starting earlier will ensure that I will not get worried on what I get for SPM. The trials results were good enough to get me into any good college.

College life in fun...but do I have to end my childhood days so fast?

Ruminisions

The girls were overjoyed. But I was really happy that both managed to offer a wish of thanks to me. After all, they were only girls. I wouldn't mind if they lost themselves in their happiness and forget to say thank you. The toys were estimated at a value of >RM500. 15 years worth of toys, what's to expect.

The funniest thing happened the morning before I gave the toys away. My youngest brother caught sight of the humongous pile of toys ready to be given away. He tried to ask if he could have more. Well, he was getting greedy since I gave him bits of this and that while packing away the stuff in boxes. What did I give him, hmm...was a 'Baby-All-Gone' set, a Disney Cinderella castle, a fridge, a Power Ranger motorcycle..etc. Thank goodness he wasn't interested in the dolls and the itsy-bitsy pieces. He was more into house structures. ( proved by the dollhouse he received for his birthday)

I guess all this started since he spent most of his 7 years of life with my mother. My mom had more time to spare as she only did part-time teaching stints now. I grew up with kids my age & my grandparents. This was how Michelle came to be.

Goodbye for good?

This was harder than I thought.

I'm giving away a chunk of my childhood a girl I met across the street. Literally.

Well, she needs it more than I do. Her house was void of anything fun a child should have. Well, except books.

Toys played a huge role in my life. Dolls in paticular. I guess those were what kept the girlishness in me. I was still playing with them when most of my friends graduated to MTV and the world of music. Sadly, they were my only companions when I was feeling depressed in the past. I led a lonely and sad (privalaged) childhood. My parents were out at work most of the time. I couldn't confide in my brothers... It was a lil' awkward for me to do that..So what I did was play. And play. And play.

I loved my toys. I could just tell them everything, and they'll just 'listen', show me that permanant smile of theirs' and that's it. After all, isn't that what psycologists do? Listen, but don't offer any advise. Hah. But later, (Of course) I had to stop, I was halfway in the MTV world. What would my schoolmates say about me? "The girl who wouldn't grow up"

Suicidal notes

How I miss my childhood.
The carefree days. Everything was clean and fun.
Now, it all seems murky and all in a disarray.

I am in a dream. A dream that will end soon.
I am still living out my childhood.
To your eyes, I am a young woman.
In my heart, I am forever a child.
Oh, how I will miss the days without worries and thoughts.

I want to end my life before it is too late.
Stop my life at the age before becoming ...
To make my dream an everlasting one..
Will be pure bliss for me.

Alas, fear stopped me.
Curiousity told me to continue with my dreaded life.
"Wouldn't you love to know what's to become of you?"
What's to become of me?
Oh, what's to become of me?

Forecast results!

Wahay! Not bad for a slacker.

It's not that good. But it's good enough for me.

8As 2Bs. The Bs are for History and Chemistry. I know I've got an A for Physics, but whether it's an 1A or a 2A, I will find out tommorow.

But who cares? I've had a deal with my parents. RM10 for each A. What more, my tuition teacher gave me RM 20 for each A I get. Oh yeah, 'studying' is rewarding indeed.

I take 11 subjects. That leaves Bible Knowledge. Oh well, I'm not really expecting an A (or a pass) for that. I regret taking that subject. It's going to tarnish my pretty report card. :P

What's gotten into me?

Recently,

-I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to do like go for tuition

-I might enquire the use of hearing aids soon

-My friends are pulling out white hair of my head on a more frequent basis

-I'm disapproving Hitz.fm

-Instead I'm listening to Light&Easy Moonlight Mood. Gee, I never thought Frank Sinatra could sound so wonderful.

-Instead of going down with a fight, I'd rather surrender and give in to my parents' demands

-I'm becoming more lethargic each day. Hyperactive girl is becoming active-girl.

-Crankier and very disapproving of unnecessary shrieks and loud talking in my class.


Good Lord...I think I'm suffering from premature ageing.

The Queen Dethroned

Greetings readers. Let me introduce myself as depression. You can call me Mr. Dee.

Our little friend here has made the biggest screw up of her life. By being overconfident, too proud of herself. And what exactly did she do? She decided to take the risk in her TRIALS English Literature exam by answering a question on something she hasn't read in ages.

Why, you ask me? Simple. Being that cocky little chit she was, she thought she could still score not having a single idea about the TRUE meaning of the literary work she was working on. She actually believed that she could still maintain her perfect record of getting the highest marks in her class by playing around in her exam.

Just as I expected, she fared badly in the test to the point that her teacher said she was disappointed in her. Of course she would feel that! That minx was the cream of the crop. The teacher wanted it to stay that way, in fact she was happy for her top student. But, no....the little brat decided to take things in her own hands and now... she's in second spot! For the first time this year, hah! She lost out to the underdog (literally). HAHAHA.

I quote the teacher on this.." Serves you right. Who asked you to start crapping on something you don't even know about?" Hahaa~Second place. Who knows? They might not even require her presence on the academic awards achievements day. Loser. Go on, cry like a baby, CRY!

"Boo HOo Hooooooooo...WaaAAaaaah~~~"

I'm ready, depression.

"Hello...it's been a while hasn't it?

I guess so.

"What kept you so long?"

False happiness

"Ah...that one...a dear friend of mine. But let's make up for lost time, shall we?

Yes, we shall.

I need all the (extra) help I can get

It's ironic how the teachers at my school try hard to keep the questions for the trials from leaking out to the students.

All we have to do is to make a few calls here and there to students from other school/states/tuition centres and BINGO! We've got a whole list of stuff that might be coming out for the test. To be even more sure, get more info from different sources and see which topics coincide. I just did that for my Physics paper 3. Three different sources; Ampang, Cheras and some tuition. And boy, everything I marked came out!

Well, I guess this isn't a very good thing to do...it might cause us to be more dependent on these 'tips'. It's all a question on morality I guess. But look, I'm still living in the era of Examination-Oriented schools. All the teachers emphasize on getting As, and what choice am I left with but to get 'extra help' if they don't want to help in the first place? Geez, I can't wait to get started on A-levels. It's gotta be more fun, it's gotta be. I heard the lecturers are more professional in teaching and interacting with the students at HELP. Gotta get HELP...(Hint-hint!)

Speaking of teachers who are not very helpful, listen to this. My friend from a Chinese school got informed by his teacher to go for an interview for a HELP scholarship. Apparently, the teacher submitted his exam marks to the university and he got the offer; just like that! And he didn't even want it!!!He's even thinking of declining the offer ( Please don't if you're reading this Mr.D)
Sheeesh~What I'll do for more helpful teachers.

(Oh well, look at the good side. At least I know I won't be alone in PJ next year at college)

Common knowledge? I didn't know that..( Rantings)

All this while I've been constantly ranting about nothing but school life & post-school life. What's there for a girl who can't go anywhere outside the boundaries of Kajang town to write about? Everything that goes on in her head I guess. Like me and my mom discussing on where I'm supposed to go after SPM; Form 6/ A levels. In the end, I gave up and followed what she said; A levels. ( I need some HELP) She said that even with good results for STPM, there is no guaranteed place in local-Universities for a Chinese girl like me. Unless you're doing social science. "Isn't that what I'm doing?" I know, I know...I should be paying more attention to my SPM now because it's what that determines your future..blablabla..

Well, I did go somewhere out of Kajang. The Archdiocese Pastoral Centre in KL last week. To attend the 1st Bible Knowledge SPM seminar ever held in Malaysia. Students and teachers attended this event. Did I gain anything? Not really, I gained something that hasn't got anything to do with Bible Knowledge.

Here's a full account of what happened.

There was this middle aged grumpy and very inquisitive lady. Let's call her the Green lady.
She was sitting at the back with two of my friends ( alex & John) with another girl ( we'll call her orange girl; she was wearing a very nice looking orange tank top.."I forgot to ask her where she got that" Green lady kept asking her questions on who her parents are, where does she go to school and lots of things even your friends won't ask. Orange girl lost her temper and went infront to sit with her friends. Then, green lady began a conversation with my friends.

GL: Are you an alter boy?
A: Er, no?
J: Yeah.
GL: OH! God will bless you more, Jonathan...(pauses) I know your parents.

Later, she got a phone call from someone who hanged up on her ( I can understand why) and asked Alex who called her (-.-") and told them that if you take BK, you will get all 101As, no worries! ...After lunch, I wanted to experience the Green factor, so I went to the back to join Alex and John. Green Lady didn't come back; maybe she sensed that someone more irritating than her is about to come along. Orange girl passed a puzzle to the boys. I solved it for them. In return, she gave Alex her email address and number.


I asked them, isn't it weird for a girl to make the first move? They berated me and said it was a turn on for the guys if the girls do it first. It gives them the idea that "I'm hot enough for the girl to come over first and ask for my number". If the guy does it first, it shows him off as a desperate loser.

Right. I've got to take note of that.

Trials are here!

I've been banned from using the internet for the whole month of exams.

Big deal. It's not like I'm going to use the time to study anyway. I can still go to the internet cafes; which is exactly what I'm doing right now. I hate studying. I can't see any point in it doing it myself. I open the book, and about 1 minute later, I'm either doodling or reading some novels. Or sleeping. Or catnapping.

The only place I can study is at tuition. And there's no way I can study at school. The teachers don't teach anymore as they are done with the syllables. So all we do is laze and fool around. Oh yeah, we had a party for our teacher today. Lovely. I keep begging my mom to let me skip school since everyone else is doing it. ( Including the girl my mom keeps comparing me to. " Why can't you be more like her? Blablabla.." Can you imagine? Someone still using that method in the 21st century! Sheesh~) Of course she said no. Reason? She's afraid that the school will call her up to ask her on my whereabouts. C'mon lah, as if the school got nothing else better to do. Well, i guess that's a reasonable excuse since I have a black mark on me after being caught skipping school...

My mind's just drifts off some other place after for awhile. I can't help it. ADD? Traits of it; maybe...

The teacher had asked me to stay back after literature class.
I wondered " What could I have possibly done to have incured the wrath of the dicipline teacher this time?"

"Sit down, Michelle, this wouldn't take a minute..nothing big."
A small feeling of relieve in my head
" I just want to know, what are you planning to do in the future.
Visit the library more often, get bangs, start dressing less like a 30-year-old woman...
'Well, after sitting for my STPM, I'll be doing either a degree in Linguistics, TESL or Psychology.Then, I'll move on to doing a Masters in Speech Therapy..'
"Promise me this, that whatever you do, make sure it involves children. You have a special gift with children...even Puan. S noticed this in you.
' Huh? Oh...you saw me playing with the kids at Taekwondo class last Saturday..'
"No, it's not that Michelle. You do have a knack with kids. It's not something everyone has."
'Yeah, childishness"
" You are saying that as though it were a bad thing"
'No! It's not that. I find that I have to mix with children because there is no one in Form 5 I can relate to...about..well, having raw fun.
"That's true. I agree with you. But it's a good thing because unlike other people, you are able to get response from these children. When you are with them, I notice that you are so happy, you could just see it's pure hapiness...Just promise me this, Okay?
'Yes, teacher.

National Service bummer

I checked at the website.
http://www.khidmatnegara.gov.my/interaktif.asp

"No. KP tidak dijumpai"

I didn't get it! Oh, joy-Oh, sorrow...

Joy because I'll get a few months of holiday before starting on my Pre-U. I'll be able to have a job and earn extra bucks during the holiday too. And I get to have extended time for the "after-SPM-party"..HOoRay!!

Sorrow because I would miss out all the fun on mixing with so many new people. Because I'll miss out the gun training session. Worst of all, I won't be going on a 3-month long holiday sponsered by the government using the money our parents paid them.

It's a mixed feeling. Oh well, you gain some, you lose some.