The little device of doom

I still remember the time I worshipped the hand phone. How I begged ( & bugged) my parents every single day to get me one. It's funny how I believed that once I get it, my social life would improve on the spot.

Yes, sure it has improved my social life; winning some friends, dates, ons(!) & enemies. Oh, the diversity of the new ppl I meet is so refreshing, & shopping trips with my friends are so much more easier to organize. No more need to sneak around borrowing my parents' phones or using the public phones..hahaha.

The phone has actually brought me more pain than joy. Alright, alright....so a recent bad event had a huge impact on me. Big shit. I'm learning to deal with it all...soon, I can boast about having experienced every single thing a youth of the 21st-century should have...well, it's nothing to be proud of really. I've been more thick-skinned these days...less dependent or obsessive. Just chilling with life...back to depression. The norm. A "happy michelle" just doesn't sound right.

Broken again & again

All the stuff that ever appeared in the media about cheating in relationships emphasize on the pains of the cheated one, & how to deal with the one that cheated. Trust me, it sucks.

But they never did touch on the feelings of the third party. Sigh.

Change of view

Life is sweet. I know it sounds cruel, but I'm happy that most of my fellow course mates came as loners for the March intake. I have this special knack of making friends with these loners, as I was ( & still is sometimes) one of them. I believe in Karma, do unto others what you want done unto you. Unfortunately, I got shunned as the social outcast for many years in primary school, so I feel this kind of responsibility to make sure no one feels like the social outcast...so that no one will turn out like me, the one that was hurt before..well, at least I'm not as alone now as I was in A-levels. Here, I get to meet the international students from India, Dubai, Pakistan that I befriended in early January. And also a church boy who cracks jokes all the time, causing me to hyperventilate & get a mini-heart attack..hahaha. It's so fun being around these people, they never fail to make me laugh.

Oh, have I forgot to mention that I dropped out of A-levels & now doing foundation in ARTS?

The best part about it is that my classes are all at the main block. Which means I don't need to ride on the freaking lift. I've got this fear that the lift will keep going down & down to the center of the earth, stuck in an oven..brr~But anyway, I've only got 3 days of college per week! How cool is that, that a lazy bum like me can bum even more at home..hahaha! Oh yeah, I didn't like A-levels cuz it didn't allow me to be a lazy bum that I am..though I'll miss Literature in english..O how I miss you Miss Caro; my first lesson in intermediate english was about vocabulary. How unchallenging...well, I guess it's fair since most of my classmates come from Chinese-ed. schools. Did I mention that I get permanent classmates from now on? LOVELY!! The second lesson was study skills; with the oh-so-handsome-&-metro-the-guy-that-every-girl-was-gushing-about Mr.Daniel. He asked us what is needed for success. I told him exploitation. Why? (well, in SPM I took advantage of the edu. system by spotting questions..hah! serves them right for making the 'A' so important...oh, taking advantage) Oh, sorry sir..It's carpe diem..seize the moment.

"I aspire to be a failure. If I do become a failure, I'm successful. Even if I don't, I'm still successful."

-From some comic I read in Myc magazine-

Back home

Alright and not so alright...enough for me to get some monetary reward, not enough to apply for a merit scholarship from HELP..sigh. I'll try for the star Education fund scholarship still.

BM-3B, BI SPM(1A) O-lev (1A), Moral 3B, History 2A (huh??), Biology 4B, Chemistry 1A, Physics 1A (yay!!), EST 2A , Maths 1A, Bible Knowledge 5C (haha, as expected), & English Literature 4B (HUH??)

Here's a slight analysis of the year's graphs. Moral exam was relatively easy, so they marked it strictly...(haha, so much for my easy-going plan), History was tough ( for those who didn't spot questions like me, haha) so they marked it easily. There was a lil problem with EST graph...and English Literature?? Don't ask me...just read this old post =)
http://mishieru.blogspot.com/2006/12/michelle-shrink.html

But wait a minute, my english teacher ( and the rest of my English Lit classmates) wants me to appeal for my English Literature grade, she believes that I should get an A for it, she EXPECTED me to get an A for it. So looks like I'll be going back to my hometown soon...

Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know. I've become emotionless these days already...Ultimately, the nature of this event in certainly keeping up with the blog's title,haha.

A wrinkle in time

A new look to usher in the new year

The new year where it all ends

Well, just for the moment's time. I'm stopping this blog until I feel the occasional need to jot down some musings I had...All this 4 years of blogging have almost drained out all of my creative juices..I need time to regain it back. Right now, I'm channeling it towards English Literature...Well, I'll post once I get my SPM results. And when I find a new muse, (wish me luck on that) I'll return to the ol'hole. :)

Sesat case

"You're so lost"

Well, excuse me miss. If you haven't noticed, I'm doing A-levels purely for English Literature. The reason why I'm taking Physics and Biology is to back me up since I'm not good at ART subjects. Though I'm not doing science after this pre-u, that doesn't give you any right to JUDGE me, you bitch. So, I may be the only one in the Lit. discussion group that's doing science while the rest of you are doing econs, accounts. So all the group discussions and meetings are disrupted because of my weird timetable. Big deal, in the end of the day, A-levels is purely EXAM-based and none of this bonding would be of any help. SO SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH UP!

I just gave her a sheepish smile

Busy Bee

I got myself involved in a movie made by the youths of my new church. After the audition, I've been given one of the main roles. The bad part is that filming takes place during the March school hols. which no longer applies to me; meaning I have to skip some classes or so. The worse part is that they are 2 understudies who badly want the role as I do. (Which is 'the bitchy, neglected brat with rich parents to boot, hell I'll have to be something I hate) "Like, who is this new girl? I've never seen her in church before, how can they give the role to the newcomer?" Guess I'll have to put in everything I've got to show the understudies who's the boss..haha. Start from the bottom before I claw my way up.

I might be joining Toastmasters International Club, but the Adventure Club sounds a bit interesting too. No doubt I'm joining HIGS (HELP Indoor Games Society). I'll just have to wait for the club promo day.

Redeemed (for good?)

I can smile again, thank you Lord.
For the times I doubted your existence, you forgave me.
For the times I despised everything in me, you gave me so many reasons today to smile again. Thank you.

The animal within

Like a snake;
violent when provoked,
yet very patient.
attacks with fury when troubled.
The fixed smile on its face,
the permanent expression;
hides all emotions and feelings it might have;
pain, fear, joy, anger, sadness...
Silently, bemoaning the curse;
detested by all, seeked out with a vengeance.
Silently, and subtly
evades its foes.
Silently, wondering
how long more it can stand being alone.


There is a demon in me. It's not your everyday evil being with long sharp fangs etc. Just imagine Edward Scissorhand crossed with Professor Snape. Gloomy, possessing me, causing me to despise myself, deny any love that is shown to me, lose faith towards everyone, deny forgiveness, making me question my own existence. Well, I guess with angels, come along demons too.

The Ultimate Goal

Every year, I keep saying this to myself, my personal quest to be normal. Normal as in to just be like every other Tom, Dick & Harry. Less psychotic or eccentric. I don't mind standing out, it's just that I really want to decrease the peculiar side in me, to fit in...um, how do I say this? Oh yes, I have this habit of talking to myself, or acting out conversations my way, that should have been, or would be. Maybe if a child did such things, it would be called 'play pretend'..But an eighteen year old? That's one thing to reduce...Another would be thinking too much. Especially of morbid things. Like, what if she died this way, or how would my funeral be? I also need to keep my emotions in check, I cry too much...I really need to be less manic-depressive.

On another note, there is this quirky part; crying no matter how hard I try to stop or prepared beforehand, for an interview of any sort. I believe this stemmed back from my kindergarden days. Well, I was very mischievous (more to devilish) and was often brought in to see the headmistress. From those days onwards, I had a fear of interrogation..haha.

Lastly, I need to rid myself of self-critique. A visiting counselor in my school kept pressing on for an appointment but I kept avoiding her, saying that I'm busy with homework and SPM (Haha, a white lie to save my day) Apparently, she said that it can destruct one's mental strength or...I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention. Oh yeah, that's another thing too.

Intake A49

Orientation sucks...I know the student council was trying their very best, but I had uterus cramps the whole damn 2 days! Couldn't find anymore Uphamol300 to treat my migraine. Alright, usually people suffer PMS before it really happens, but it just hadda happen on my first day, and I really wasn't in the mood to do anymore networking. It was freezing cold, but I was sweating like a dog ( Do they really sweat? anyway...)

Tried befriending some girls. (The boys were keeping to themselves, others were stuck in their own cliques formed way before orientation started). Found a nice Malay girl, (can't remember her name, and I bet she can't remember mine too) and two best friends who are joining me in E.Lit class (forgot theirs too, sorry!)...found out the former was a year younger than me, so that's why I could get along with her so easily. Sadly, she's doing all arts subjects...so the odds of me having a class with her is kinda low.

Then the best thing happened yet today!! On the way up, I saw...(nah, it can't be..)..well, whaddaya know, it's Miss.Angel! The Australian Chindian who looks like an Indian is studying ADP (liberal arts) YAY! Spent the whole afternoon with her catching up on stuff, and later hung out with another old church buddy who's my senior in A-levels. Angel's so LUCKY! The Malay girl & I saw this really good-looking foreigner (we thought he was a Brit) who came in our orientation by mistake. Later found out from Angel he's a Russian!! (Gotta borrow the Russian-language-for-dummies book from my tour-guide uncle) Hehee~Looks like the sarong-party-girlishness in me ain't dead yet.

The big bang

"Lips stained red from New Year's wine.."

Okay, so this happened awhile ago. Maybe it won't seem to be very important for anyone else, but it was a very significant event in my life!!

I finally did it. Yes, the one people love to use against you, to classify you as the bimbo China doll. I've got the bangs! Straight cut it is, I don't know what I was thinking when I did it.
After all, I've been keeping my 'curtains' for over 5 years. Now, my blogger profile picture looks exactly like me.

New Year Resolutions again?

Not that I follow them anyway, haha.I've got to do the countdown in a few minutes. So this'll be short. (thank goodness)

1.
2...

Damn it! I can't think of anything!! Ah, well...2007 will be a year of surprises, fun and trials for me. I'll decide everything when it comes...sheesh.
Well, a happy new year to fellow bloggers and passer-bys.

Of highways and buses

I think I'm going crazy learning all the weird roads and routes in Petaling Jaya. SS21 in Damansara? I thought there's another SS21 in Subang Jaya? What's with the LDP? Where's the way to escape the crazy toll rates that Mr.Samy never seems to get tired of raising? What! Did I take the wrong way? ARGHHHHH! NO! I don't feel like taking a driving license in this crazy city.

So I'll take the public transport like what Mr.Samy himself advised to the public. This one at least was a bit less confusing. What's the difference between bus 636 and 634?Why are the bus rates so high?? In the end, I found the bus I'll probably be taking for the next 5 years on. T82. Huh. This was even worse that Chemistry. Which I'm not taking in A-level, thank goodness. Oh yeah, I've just registered at HELP and found out there's a 3 day orientation, and that there are other Kajang people who just signed in as well. I'm supposed to find that comforting right,exactly the opposite. My mom said I'm crazy and should've joined KDU if I didn't wnat to meet anyone I knew from back home. Sigh...

The process of adaption.

Well, everything's going fine now...I can finally connect online now that the TM net ppl fixed a line in my new house at DU. So, since I can't make friends that easily now since my secondary school life is over, I had to do a couple of things like:

1. Joined the IACT media workshop to meet other people who were forced like me to make insta-friends. I hate the process, I'd rather build relationships on a long-term process, not forced or under pressure like the above mentioned, in order to prevent yourself from feeling awkward.

2. Explored Damansara Uptown, found a Watson's & Guardian shop there! (Yay!, no need to go to OU for shopping)...but only one cybercafe? Sheesh..

3. Went for the Saint Ignatius Church (SIC) youth Christmas party. Again, networking. But at least this one is a bit less stressful because I'll be seeing them for the next few years. Got to know the big people in church, registered myself for the readers audition...and learned from the big guy himself (Mr.Rich, the 50-something youth leader) that the church will be selecting some active youths to participate in a choir that will perform in (GOSH) Sydney, Brisbane..all expense paid by SIC in July 2008. Well, here's a new goal in my life, gotta be an active youth, lol. Hmmm, the youth here highly contrast to the ones back in Holy Family Church Kajang. Just the opposite, they were...inactive. (Haha, sorry HFC members, but PJ youths are known to be very active.)


Well, to summarise..folks here are way different from those in Kajang. Kajang people were laid back, relaxed, and have a devil-may-care attitude. Here, I got a culture shock! They were more perky (I hate this kind of people, sorry) girls and metro boys (this one I don't mind, heehee). Everyone's just so boisterous, gregarious...huh, I miss the days back in school where we could just lie on the high jump mattress in our class, under the cooling wind blown from the floor fan someone brought from home, listening to the radio loaned from the school office.....Sigh, all my dreams lately have been taking place in my hometown. Homesickness? More like adapting. Which might take a very, very looooong time. Oh yeah, I'm going to HELP to study A-levels...my parents don't really care much of scholarships anymore..Haha.

Michelle the shrink?

Yeah, you heard that right. Looks like whatever I'm doing now is channeling me into becoming a psychologist. I didn't want to at first, just like I didn't want to do A-levels before, but my parents constant nagging worked to their favour after all.

One last bit of glory: A-levels is not the fastest and cheapest way to get a degree in P. I'm doing it because (they don't want me to do it) I want to study literature for a long as can before I go into building my career. YES. That's the main reason why. The other one is because I want to extend my education process. Getting a foundation is a no-no for me; it's not education! That's building your career!!

What will my first research project be about? ME!
I'm so confusing myself, I want to learn about me.. Lol..

Speaking of literature: Here's a dedicated part to my SPM exam. I need to get an 1A for it. No exception. Getting straight As is not as important as this! Mainly because my mother got an A for it; she was the only one who did in her year. If I do anything below that grade, she'll have the power to use it against me in our arguments! I don't want that. Please, oh please, I beg the examinars to give-me-an-A1.(If they dropped by, haha. what are the possibilities of that?Well, I'm taking every chance that I got)

Nostalgia

Hell yeah, I have always been over emotional and sentimental about things. I'm moving on the 10th Dec, so I had to start packing my stuff already. My mom doesn't want me to bring any junk to the new house. And I'm one of those people who collects and keeps stuff I don't even need. It's hard to let go. All my 17 years were spent in Kajang. I thought it was fun at first to move , like an adventure after SPM...but I just couldn't stop crying. HECK, I cry about EVERYTHING. During interviews, PMS, in a rage (and I rarely get angry, when I do it's like krakotoa) and arguments. So blame my fragile mind, I'm just a sensitive little girl in the inside.

After I move, I wanted to find a part-time-job to earn money (for vanity reasons) But which place would take me in for >20days? I'm starting college in January (A levels, don't know where yet) so I want to make the whole of my holiday. It just so happens that I found an ad in the papers today about a workshop on journalism, broadcasting and media. Great! Something to help me in the future. (14th and 15th December at DU) And I've been planning to go for all the colleges' open days to determine what I really want in my future. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to be a speech therapist but it seems pretty dull to me now. I'm open to anything...sheesh

Death Pt.1

The state of being dead.

When the soul leaves the body. A note on that, a physicist conducted an experiment by placing a man on his deathbed (literally) on a scale. As he breathed his last, an unexplainable 0.020kg was deducted from the original weight minus the bed. Souls have weight? Oh well...

Am I frightened by death? Not really. It's the transition process I'm worried about because no one has talked about it before. Maybe I'm afraid of what's after death too due to influence from my religion. The maker or the baker. Anyway, you don't go to heaven straightaway unless you martyred. The place is called purgatory, where you do your atonement...its white fires are said to be more painful than the ones below...

I have been experiencing death of close ones around me since young, be it a puppy or a great grandma or grandad. I remember playing with the paper effigies for my favorite great-grandma's funeral.
I did not grieve when my grandfather was on his deathbed, I remember drawing the funeral scene on the magnetic board only to receive a smack from my mom. Only at the funeral, my mom told me that I wouldn't see him anymore. That induced me to tears ( although I think it was more of the fact that there will be no more daily RM0.20 ketupats and rides from the school).

I thought I handled death pretty well for a young girl. Must be those science articles on death. Or reading obituaries with a passion. Once you're dead, you're gone. No emotions involved. They die because their body failed to function or accident happens.

Later years, death held a more significant meaning in my life. Friends say I've lost 2 out of 9 lives. Close one. Another incident really shook me up; death of a close friend's sister. Worse, she was talking to me the day before. Even worse, I became hysterical and depressed.I did loads of crazy things that I regret now. Now, my grandmother has a confirmed visit from death somewhere in the near future. She has cancer, like her deceased husband, just that she doesn't want to go for the treatment. (more painful she says).

I'm not saddened by that. But I don't think I would be able to take it anymore if anyone else around me died. Worse if I could have prevented it. Life is not as meaningful as it used to be anymore.

SPaMmed

Bahasa Melayu: screwed the lit. part. Everything came out as unexpected.

English: Screwed the conclusion to my essay. Format all wrong for informal letter. ( hopefully, they won't deduct marks for format in directed writing) Wrongly gave the meaning of the metaphor 'ages' in Frost's poem. It meant 'years', not a long time ago, you doofus Michelle. He was talking about his future!

History: Predicted everything that came out (Not that I really studied those) except the question on K-ekonomi. What was that? I didn't even know it existed. (Later, I found out painfully that it stands for Knowledge-economy in Chapter 9) Made up my own history of Malaysia. History was never my forte anyway.

Mathematics: Screwed up the objective part. 50% guessing work. And this is coming from a girl who scored the highest in the class twice! (100% & 97%) Subjective was not so bad, but I did a mistake in making a converse of a statement (akas? what the hell was that? Maths is supposed to be working on numbers, not on our vocabulary skills, damn it!) and drawing a graph polygon..

English for Science and Technology: Guaranteed 1A. I'm sure. Funny paper, they asked us about cats..

Literature in English: Arghh!!! (need I say more? Yeah, I wish I didn't skip class so much, thank you teacher for reminding me unintentionally)

Physics: Ooh, I love you more as each day passes. Though I screwed up my essays, I'm sorry that I neglected you after trials...

Chemistry: Wellll~ I did tell my parents I was aiming for a B. So a B I will get. (It was hard!)

Moral: Oh dear, this is the best paper ever! Ha ha, only one question came out on definisi!! So I only lost 2 marks out of 100. In your face ( to those who mindlessly memorize all the moral values' definitions)

Biology: another one worthy of an ARGHHHHHH~ What went wrong? I don't know. What I know is that it was freaking hard. Just praying that the graph will be VERY, VERY LOW. Then maybe I'll touch an A...Ha-ha-ha..

Bible Knowledge: Wait for it

*Updates coming soon*

Heartbroken

Looking through the papers this morning, I spotted my friend's face among those who have received the SASA scholarship award from HELP. Hell, I didn't even know there was a scholarship offered for outstanding students. I went to the website out of curiosity (and jealousy) & found out that only schools which were selected by HELP are eligible to send their students to apply for the SASA. Which means that my school was left out by them. How sad...

Not giving up hope, I went through the page on 'qualifications' to apply for a full/partial scholarship. Well, there's no way on earth I can qualify for a full' but the minimum As (1As, mind you) to get RM 8000 was 8. Loans were offered, but that's not what I was looking for. Then there was this scholarship offered based on your trials results which required (my heart skipped a beat) 9 1As. Damn it, I only got 6 1As and 2 2As for my trials. I really want to get a scholarship from HELP, yes maybe others need it more than I do. Financial issues do not pose a problem for me, I see the scholarship as a sort of trophy for all the shit years you put up in school. But then again, who am I kidding?

I am definitely, by no means an OUTSTANDING student. Nor am I someone with exemplary leadership qualities; instead I can be a good team player, or work well as a loner. I am good in my own way, lazy, but once pressured I will promise excellent results. Maybe I should try another place like INTI (they have a scholarship which I am eligible for) but I really want to go into HELP because of factors like its nearby distance to my new house, its conducive environment & its helpful lecturers. So please don't label me as a fussy or a selfish, ungrateful girl...I just can't help it.

Something tells me that I should try something out of the mainly academic genre.( which I... & my parents are so obsessed of currently) Come to think of it, I still don't know what to do after SPM. Well, my current plan is to study A-level, but what's next? Do I pursue my dreams, needs, hobbies or what I'm good at? Sigh, something tells me that I should just stop blogging and get back to studying, which I hardly do.