Ill again

The throbs in my head faster than my heart;
I cannot breathe properly,
not enough blood being pumped to my body,
A dry lump in my throat.
I'm in such pain, no it's not my fucking brain!
Nor my malfunctioning body;
My soul, my soul...
The shattered pieces pieced together,
have been shattered once again..
by the ones I thought I loved,
by the ones I loved,
by the ones I love..
For their own selfish needs,
Have you realised what you've done to me?

I'm a freakin' banana Pt.2

Some of my classmates just can't seem to understand why I sway the other way...The fact that I don't like being associated with boys of my own race.

Why? I look at home & cry at my dad who fits the China man/ah beng stereotype perfectly..in other words; boring. Boring. Boring. I can't imagine how life would be if I end it with a Chinese; oh wait..I can..hmm, predictable, routine, and a hum-drum contented-ever-after cycle of life.

Okay, so not all of them are that bad. I've met some interesting characters in the past. But these people I've met are definitely not available; or have been taken up by some other lucky bananas already. Argh!, I missed the train again. What more, I'd have communication problems with him. So, alright, I'm not that bad at speaking my mother tongue, in fact~ I've been practising everyday with my Chinese-ed classmates. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that there are 3 more bananas in my class? Same like me, they were too lazy to use the language in their school years, that they forgot it almost entirely! I'm so lucky..hahaha~

I need excitement! Which is what I see people of the other races have. Everything spontaneous, fun & thrilling. Everyday something not expected. Of course, life would be more of a risk then...as you never know what trials might come your way. So why do I sway the other way, when I can have a safe, stable life with an ah-beng? Cause I cannot stand a static life...simply said & done.

P/S: Plus, I love the colour contrast of skin against each other, sexy! Woo hoo~Lolz~

Neither here nor there

I love my body.
The shape.
The way my skin sticks to the bones.
My Bow legs.
Every scar on the surface.
The petiteness.
The hourglass with very narrow tops.

But now I'm having doubts. Back in my hometown, I was the small girl. The title was bestowed upon me by some guy. Now in the city, I see so many more pint-sized girls. 3-feet-lotus-women. And boy, do they look good. Suddenly I feel awkward. I can't be labeled small, big, or A-O-K. I"m a bloody misfit! Sigh, I worry too much about these stupid things.

No Joy at all

Those living in Malaysia, you've probably already heard all the hullabaloo of that "removing-the-religion-from-the-IC" issue. About how some think it's right while others feel that it's a sign on how their rights are being withheld. It's painful yes, but amid all that chaos & so-called-under-control, I found something particularly tickling:

One local TV station highlighted the incident of the crowding outside the high court, awaiting the results of the appeal, describing it as a gentle gathering. How brilliant! How absolutely witty yet so careful! Despite all that tension on free speech & hush-hush, you, have managed to slip in a bit of humor into that entire furor.

I salute the local media

Yesterday

A glint of hope

A shimmer of joy

A brush with happiness

But only for a minute? I need more.

Queen of Procastination

A friend told me how much he loves immersing himself in work. After finishing the workload, he'll reward himself with MORE work.

I don't understand.

How very apt

Silence is unnatural to man. He begins life with a cry and ends it in stillness. In the interval he does he does all he can to make noise in the world , and there are few things of which he stands in more fear than the absence of noise. Even his conversation is in great measure a desperate attempt to prevent a dreadful silence. If he is introduced to a fellow-mortal, and a number of pauses occur in the conversation, he regards himself as a failure, a worthless person, and is full of envy of the emptiest-headed chatterbox. He knows that 99.9% , of human conversation means no more than the buzzing of a fly, but he longs to join in the buzz, and to prove that he is a man and not a waxwork figure. The object of a conversation is not, for the most part, to communicate ideas: it is to keep up the buzzing sound. There are, it must be admitted, different qualities of buzz: there is even buzz that is as exasperating as the continuous ping of a mosquito. But at a dinner party one would rather be a mosquito than a mute. Most buzzing, fortunately, is agreeable to the ear, and some of it is agreeable even to the mind. He would be a foolish man, however, who waited till he had a wise thought to take part in the buzzing with his neighbours. Those who despise the weather as a conversational opening seem to me to be ignorant of the reason why human beings wish to talk. Very few human beings join in a conversation in the hope of learning anything new. Some of them are content if they are merely allowed to go on making a noise into other people's ears, though they have nothing to tell them except that they have seen two or three new plays or that they had bad food in a Swiss hotel. At the end of an evening during which they have said nothing at immense length they justly plume themselves on their success as conversationalists.

"Silence" from "The Money Box"

How I wish money really grew on trees now...

Ever since the windfall after the SPM results came out, I've been spending like..well, like I've never spent before. (hahaha) My estimated expenditure would have (by today) added up to more than RM1k. Oh gosh, have I really spent that much? In less than 2 months?? Where did it all go? Oh yeah, to replenish my bland wardrobe for 'college life'. I know, it would have been able to feed dozens of families in some impoverished country, but I really needed to burn some cash after years of kedekuting it out all my secondary-school life. It's a nice distraction when I'm feeling depressed. Just yesterday, I was ready to slit my wrists, and today I'm as happy, um..as I've never been happy before? Lol, Nah, that's not real happiness..I'm still waiting for it to hit me..pure happiness. Rare, but not impossible to achieve in my oh-I-don't-know-how-many-years I have left. Gee, I hope it does come one day.

P/s: I've banked in the same amount of what I spent already, to ease up the guilt factor..sigh..what I do for a living..

Hell

A world without inhibition
No rules
No leaders
No dictators
No hypocrites
No religion
No colours
No lies
No truth

Just faith
Freedom
Heaven

And then I woke up

Cook
I cooked
Clean
I cleaned
Go
I went
Work
I worked
Love me
I loved you
End it
I did not, so you did

Death pt.2

Maybe I should give up,
Maybe I should not,
Maybe I should try,
Maybe I should not,
What's with all the shoulds & should nots?
I don't need anyone commanding my every move.
But I am a doll after all;
limbs useless without the strings,
controlled by the one above.
I want my own life;
can I just switch off, or switch on?
Can I decide for myself what is good,
what is not?
I want my own life;
I try to cut my strings,
but you sew them to your skin.

Noticed?

I'm changing into an everyday, normal girl. That's a good thing, isn't it? That's what I've been trying to be: a fun-loving, average girl who listens to pop songs & goes on multiple shopping sprees, watches movies at GSC..so that I wouldn't stand out so much & be more able to mix around with your everyday Tom, Dick & Harry..(speaking of a Harry, Hahahaha*)

Well, I thought it would be good, but who knew it would bring more harm to me? Anyway, if I did stay that way, this blog would be dead (& revived as a bimbo blog)
BACK TO DEPRESSION!

Like a boy

Love isn't real. All he ever was, is a word created to sum up all the different feelings of affections, infatuation, puppy love, lust, & care.

Love is a game. When you think you lost, you are given a chance to replay. You win it when you find the ONE soulmate...(which is so rare in the world we live today) So you marry someone. Big deal. Divorces & mistresses didn't exist for nothing. Which brings us to another point, cheaters. No matter how hard you try, you will eventually get caught. =) ...Though it is fun to cheat once in awhile in any game, don't you think?

Love has a mind of his own. If you take advantage of him, he will find some way to get back at you...like his good friend karma. Just when you think you're winning, he knocks you down back to square 1. Somehow, when you're losing...you just keep losing.

Love is nothing.

An actual conversation that happened in class

Mr.J: Whaaat izzz duh meaneeeng offuh hurricane??
Girl waving her hand in the air: Oh, it's basically a strong wind, though I'm not sure if that is the dictionary meaning of it...
Mr.J: Yeessss, dat izzz duh meaning offuh..hurry-caane...how do youuu spell hurrra-cane?
Girl waving her hand in the air: That's H-U-R-R-I-C-A-N-E, sir.
Mr.J :Thaat's riight...now why is this sweet young guurrl the only one answering my quesstionsss?

Girl in the sky-blue dhotti: oh my god...it's holy week & I'm already swearing..

The little device of doom

I still remember the time I worshipped the hand phone. How I begged ( & bugged) my parents every single day to get me one. It's funny how I believed that once I get it, my social life would improve on the spot.

Yes, sure it has improved my social life; winning some friends, dates, ons(!) & enemies. Oh, the diversity of the new ppl I meet is so refreshing, & shopping trips with my friends are so much more easier to organize. No more need to sneak around borrowing my parents' phones or using the public phones..hahaha.

The phone has actually brought me more pain than joy. Alright, alright....so a recent bad event had a huge impact on me. Big shit. I'm learning to deal with it all...soon, I can boast about having experienced every single thing a youth of the 21st-century should have...well, it's nothing to be proud of really. I've been more thick-skinned these days...less dependent or obsessive. Just chilling with life...back to depression. The norm. A "happy michelle" just doesn't sound right.

Broken again & again

All the stuff that ever appeared in the media about cheating in relationships emphasize on the pains of the cheated one, & how to deal with the one that cheated. Trust me, it sucks.

But they never did touch on the feelings of the third party. Sigh.

Change of view

Life is sweet. I know it sounds cruel, but I'm happy that most of my fellow course mates came as loners for the March intake. I have this special knack of making friends with these loners, as I was ( & still is sometimes) one of them. I believe in Karma, do unto others what you want done unto you. Unfortunately, I got shunned as the social outcast for many years in primary school, so I feel this kind of responsibility to make sure no one feels like the social outcast...so that no one will turn out like me, the one that was hurt before..well, at least I'm not as alone now as I was in A-levels. Here, I get to meet the international students from India, Dubai, Pakistan that I befriended in early January. And also a church boy who cracks jokes all the time, causing me to hyperventilate & get a mini-heart attack..hahaha. It's so fun being around these people, they never fail to make me laugh.

Oh, have I forgot to mention that I dropped out of A-levels & now doing foundation in ARTS?

The best part about it is that my classes are all at the main block. Which means I don't need to ride on the freaking lift. I've got this fear that the lift will keep going down & down to the center of the earth, stuck in an oven..brr~But anyway, I've only got 3 days of college per week! How cool is that, that a lazy bum like me can bum even more at home..hahaha! Oh yeah, I didn't like A-levels cuz it didn't allow me to be a lazy bum that I am..though I'll miss Literature in english..O how I miss you Miss Caro; my first lesson in intermediate english was about vocabulary. How unchallenging...well, I guess it's fair since most of my classmates come from Chinese-ed. schools. Did I mention that I get permanent classmates from now on? LOVELY!! The second lesson was study skills; with the oh-so-handsome-&-metro-the-guy-that-every-girl-was-gushing-about Mr.Daniel. He asked us what is needed for success. I told him exploitation. Why? (well, in SPM I took advantage of the edu. system by spotting questions..hah! serves them right for making the 'A' so important...oh, taking advantage) Oh, sorry sir..It's carpe diem..seize the moment.

"I aspire to be a failure. If I do become a failure, I'm successful. Even if I don't, I'm still successful."

-From some comic I read in Myc magazine-

Back home

Alright and not so alright...enough for me to get some monetary reward, not enough to apply for a merit scholarship from HELP..sigh. I'll try for the star Education fund scholarship still.

BM-3B, BI SPM(1A) O-lev (1A), Moral 3B, History 2A (huh??), Biology 4B, Chemistry 1A, Physics 1A (yay!!), EST 2A , Maths 1A, Bible Knowledge 5C (haha, as expected), & English Literature 4B (HUH??)

Here's a slight analysis of the year's graphs. Moral exam was relatively easy, so they marked it strictly...(haha, so much for my easy-going plan), History was tough ( for those who didn't spot questions like me, haha) so they marked it easily. There was a lil problem with EST graph...and English Literature?? Don't ask me...just read this old post =)
http://mishieru.blogspot.com/2006/12/michelle-shrink.html

But wait a minute, my english teacher ( and the rest of my English Lit classmates) wants me to appeal for my English Literature grade, she believes that I should get an A for it, she EXPECTED me to get an A for it. So looks like I'll be going back to my hometown soon...

Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know. I've become emotionless these days already...Ultimately, the nature of this event in certainly keeping up with the blog's title,haha.

A wrinkle in time

A new look to usher in the new year

The new year where it all ends

Well, just for the moment's time. I'm stopping this blog until I feel the occasional need to jot down some musings I had...All this 4 years of blogging have almost drained out all of my creative juices..I need time to regain it back. Right now, I'm channeling it towards English Literature...Well, I'll post once I get my SPM results. And when I find a new muse, (wish me luck on that) I'll return to the ol'hole. :)

Sesat case

"You're so lost"

Well, excuse me miss. If you haven't noticed, I'm doing A-levels purely for English Literature. The reason why I'm taking Physics and Biology is to back me up since I'm not good at ART subjects. Though I'm not doing science after this pre-u, that doesn't give you any right to JUDGE me, you bitch. So, I may be the only one in the Lit. discussion group that's doing science while the rest of you are doing econs, accounts. So all the group discussions and meetings are disrupted because of my weird timetable. Big deal, in the end of the day, A-levels is purely EXAM-based and none of this bonding would be of any help. SO SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH UP!

I just gave her a sheepish smile

Busy Bee

I got myself involved in a movie made by the youths of my new church. After the audition, I've been given one of the main roles. The bad part is that filming takes place during the March school hols. which no longer applies to me; meaning I have to skip some classes or so. The worse part is that they are 2 understudies who badly want the role as I do. (Which is 'the bitchy, neglected brat with rich parents to boot, hell I'll have to be something I hate) "Like, who is this new girl? I've never seen her in church before, how can they give the role to the newcomer?" Guess I'll have to put in everything I've got to show the understudies who's the boss..haha. Start from the bottom before I claw my way up.

I might be joining Toastmasters International Club, but the Adventure Club sounds a bit interesting too. No doubt I'm joining HIGS (HELP Indoor Games Society). I'll just have to wait for the club promo day.