You contradicting fool!

My dad who just came back from Sudan picked me up from tuition and asked me " How are you?"

And so, in the 5-second time frame I have to give my respond, I thought:

How am I? Well, physically I am well..except for that little sore throat. But inside mentally? How would you want me to answer? After 3 months of being away, you ask me how I am?
I might be able to answer if you asked me about the weather, or which clothes are the hardest to iron..( The kain for the baju kurung..:P) or how I did in the monthly exam. Not about my welfare...well, it's well taken care of, for your information dad, but I think my being is quite disturbed, I must say...

No, it's not depression. No! It's not stress! Bloody hell! I'm not losing my mind!!!! FCUK OFF!..well, we could compromise on the latter, couldn't we..hahahaha...

Archangel Michael: May I interject?
Michelle : Do I even have a choice, my dear good friend?

Archangel Michael: I wouldn't give it to you, dear... but this is what you can tell your dad..I've noticed that recently, you have been extremely short-tempered, unrationale and worst of all; bad judgement... And must I mention stubborness?

Michelle: I got that from my mother..and besides I was having PMS at that time so..

AM: Oh, and being defensive and wishy-washy about things..what did your teacher say? Going round the bush or something like that.

Michelle : You know I hate doing that, but it just happens nowadays whether I want it or not..I am in a disarray, sometimes I wish I could just start over. But now, I am having a little more fun at school with my fun-loving friends..not like those I used to sit with..

AM: Miss S?

Michelle : Oh, yes...

AM: Oh well, she was nice. I'll miss her presence..

Michelle: I'm actually quite satisfied with my life now...the academic, the social life, religious life..but then when I think about all that's happened in the past, I cry.

AM: You bloody 'woman-with-issues', all you have to do is let go and forget and FORGIVE yourself! God has forgiven you already and if you want others to sympathize with you, sorry, you've got the wrong number sister!

Michelle: It's harder than you think...the more I try to forget, the more I hate myself..I'm becoming everything I used to hate..

Archangel Michael: Remember Michelle, that I will always be at your side to the death. I will guide you along as you move along with time and when trouble stirs up again, I will....

"Michelle!"an exasperated father shouted.
"Huh?" I realized that I have passed the maximum time of giving a response...
"How are you? "he asked.

And I answered with the full evaluation of my 5 second debate in me;

"I'm okay"

Trial and error?? Tchah!

This week is Holy Week. Which Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday & Easter Sunday all fall on. And I'm supposed to be at my best behaved self. Which I find it all very hard to do...

I went to church today, not because I'm feeling holy & all; but because I actually felt guilt. Not because of what I've done; but what I've done to a certain comrade. I blatantly blamed her for something she absolutely did not do, because my mind was at a certain rate of desparation to just blame anyone that resulted my demise for my own comfort, in spite of myself.

Instead of just asking her right there and then, I decided to keep silent to myself and bury my false disgust & contempt for all the things she did not do. And when I received the ego-crushing truth, I didn't apologize to her. I thought of just doing that after I cooled down a bit...did I? NOOOOooooOO~ I didn't even bother smiling at her.I just continued ignoring her, taking cue from her doing the same thing unto me.

Now she has moved to the other side of the class to be with her bumi friends and my gang member has come to join over the dark side!!HAHAHAHA...just one more left to complete the four of us..the 'kuali gang'..Now that we're both happy with who we're sitting with; ( she'll have more fun with people who share the same passion of telenovelas, footie & thrashy drama chits) & (I'll have fun playing a fool around with my fun members instead of boring myself to death with a girl who doesn't believe in having fun physically...)

I don't expect to forgive me. We both have been sharing the same thing for over 4 years; to lack to forgive or to say sorry. Which is exactly what we're doing unto each other now. My ego is turning me away from even mentioning the word 'sorry'. Her pride is stopping her from offering me peace...But I don't blame her. She has every right to be angry with me. I do not deserve such a sweet, innocent young chit for a friend. She'll be better off without me. She deserves every right to call me 'that woman'...I am still not going to say sorry. After reevaluating our friendship fpr the past couple of years, and (again!) presuming what would happen if I did say sorry...Hah! I'd rather eat my shoe than to give in...protecting my ego right now is the only thing that is keeping my head high. That is what keeping me sane right now with all the trouble brewing deep inside me...

Still I weep, for the evil I have selfishly and stupidly done unto her...

Recent ruminitions

I pride myself on everything I am except for one thing...my lack of stealth. No matter what I do, it always gets found out in the end. Especially things I don't want others to find out. Oh, the irony.

I just felt like it because when I see others do it effortlessly and flawless as though it's just a part of your everyday life, I get covetous easily. For some it may seem like something you do; something wrong; the biggest crime; … but I view it as a goal, it big accomplishment for me that is worthy of self-praise..

But when I did it, the world went tumbling down upon me in one heap! I did feel a bit euphoric (just a 1/5 fraction of what I felt after getting my monthly test results…: P) that I’ve accomplished one of my goals. I’ve ticked it off my ‘things-to-do’ lifelong list.

Then some people, who obviously don’t share the same passion with me… (hahaha~) felt that they are responsible for my ‘mistake’ and decided to counsel me by giving warnings and use-full(less) advice. Which of course I naturally turn a deaf ear upon all their ramblings…There were repercussions, nothing too big except one. But it will be fixed anyway, so I don’t really worry about it. Now in this process of trying to reason with these people, I managed to hurt a comrade’s feelings by doing what I do best; presume & assume. Blaming is an extension of that skill. The problem is, I no longer feel guilt or remorse. But I only felt sorry for hurting feelings of those around me…That is what I’m trying to fix.

But then, comes ego. I always had a problem saying this word ‘sorry’ especially for big things. I always turn defensive and in the end, those who find fault in me often give up. So, if by any chance the comrade or a friend of her should read this, I send my apologies to her.

The deed:

I played truant.