Death Pt.1

The state of being dead.

When the soul leaves the body. A note on that, a physicist conducted an experiment by placing a man on his deathbed (literally) on a scale. As he breathed his last, an unexplainable 0.020kg was deducted from the original weight minus the bed. Souls have weight? Oh well...

Am I frightened by death? Not really. It's the transition process I'm worried about because no one has talked about it before. Maybe I'm afraid of what's after death too due to influence from my religion. The maker or the baker. Anyway, you don't go to heaven straightaway unless you martyred. The place is called purgatory, where you do your atonement...its white fires are said to be more painful than the ones below...

I have been experiencing death of close ones around me since young, be it a puppy or a great grandma or grandad. I remember playing with the paper effigies for my favorite great-grandma's funeral.
I did not grieve when my grandfather was on his deathbed, I remember drawing the funeral scene on the magnetic board only to receive a smack from my mom. Only at the funeral, my mom told me that I wouldn't see him anymore. That induced me to tears ( although I think it was more of the fact that there will be no more daily RM0.20 ketupats and rides from the school).

I thought I handled death pretty well for a young girl. Must be those science articles on death. Or reading obituaries with a passion. Once you're dead, you're gone. No emotions involved. They die because their body failed to function or accident happens.

Later years, death held a more significant meaning in my life. Friends say I've lost 2 out of 9 lives. Close one. Another incident really shook me up; death of a close friend's sister. Worse, she was talking to me the day before. Even worse, I became hysterical and depressed.I did loads of crazy things that I regret now. Now, my grandmother has a confirmed visit from death somewhere in the near future. She has cancer, like her deceased husband, just that she doesn't want to go for the treatment. (more painful she says).

I'm not saddened by that. But I don't think I would be able to take it anymore if anyone else around me died. Worse if I could have prevented it. Life is not as meaningful as it used to be anymore.

SPaMmed

Bahasa Melayu: screwed the lit. part. Everything came out as unexpected.

English: Screwed the conclusion to my essay. Format all wrong for informal letter. ( hopefully, they won't deduct marks for format in directed writing) Wrongly gave the meaning of the metaphor 'ages' in Frost's poem. It meant 'years', not a long time ago, you doofus Michelle. He was talking about his future!

History: Predicted everything that came out (Not that I really studied those) except the question on K-ekonomi. What was that? I didn't even know it existed. (Later, I found out painfully that it stands for Knowledge-economy in Chapter 9) Made up my own history of Malaysia. History was never my forte anyway.

Mathematics: Screwed up the objective part. 50% guessing work. And this is coming from a girl who scored the highest in the class twice! (100% & 97%) Subjective was not so bad, but I did a mistake in making a converse of a statement (akas? what the hell was that? Maths is supposed to be working on numbers, not on our vocabulary skills, damn it!) and drawing a graph polygon..

English for Science and Technology: Guaranteed 1A. I'm sure. Funny paper, they asked us about cats..

Literature in English: Arghh!!! (need I say more? Yeah, I wish I didn't skip class so much, thank you teacher for reminding me unintentionally)

Physics: Ooh, I love you more as each day passes. Though I screwed up my essays, I'm sorry that I neglected you after trials...

Chemistry: Wellll~ I did tell my parents I was aiming for a B. So a B I will get. (It was hard!)

Moral: Oh dear, this is the best paper ever! Ha ha, only one question came out on definisi!! So I only lost 2 marks out of 100. In your face ( to those who mindlessly memorize all the moral values' definitions)

Biology: another one worthy of an ARGHHHHHH~ What went wrong? I don't know. What I know is that it was freaking hard. Just praying that the graph will be VERY, VERY LOW. Then maybe I'll touch an A...Ha-ha-ha..

Bible Knowledge: Wait for it

*Updates coming soon*

Heartbroken

Looking through the papers this morning, I spotted my friend's face among those who have received the SASA scholarship award from HELP. Hell, I didn't even know there was a scholarship offered for outstanding students. I went to the website out of curiosity (and jealousy) & found out that only schools which were selected by HELP are eligible to send their students to apply for the SASA. Which means that my school was left out by them. How sad...

Not giving up hope, I went through the page on 'qualifications' to apply for a full/partial scholarship. Well, there's no way on earth I can qualify for a full' but the minimum As (1As, mind you) to get RM 8000 was 8. Loans were offered, but that's not what I was looking for. Then there was this scholarship offered based on your trials results which required (my heart skipped a beat) 9 1As. Damn it, I only got 6 1As and 2 2As for my trials. I really want to get a scholarship from HELP, yes maybe others need it more than I do. Financial issues do not pose a problem for me, I see the scholarship as a sort of trophy for all the shit years you put up in school. But then again, who am I kidding?

I am definitely, by no means an OUTSTANDING student. Nor am I someone with exemplary leadership qualities; instead I can be a good team player, or work well as a loner. I am good in my own way, lazy, but once pressured I will promise excellent results. Maybe I should try another place like INTI (they have a scholarship which I am eligible for) but I really want to go into HELP because of factors like its nearby distance to my new house, its conducive environment & its helpful lecturers. So please don't label me as a fussy or a selfish, ungrateful girl...I just can't help it.

Something tells me that I should try something out of the mainly academic genre.( which I... & my parents are so obsessed of currently) Come to think of it, I still don't know what to do after SPM. Well, my current plan is to study A-level, but what's next? Do I pursue my dreams, needs, hobbies or what I'm good at? Sigh, something tells me that I should just stop blogging and get back to studying, which I hardly do.

Wrong way in the brain

Remember when I said I needed a sense of urgency to get started on SPM? I'm starting to feel it. What I'm afraid of is that it is just at the brink of turning into panic. No. That's something I wouldn't want, not especially now!

Well, the only good thing I've done that I can brag about is that I have analyzed and come up with a compilation of what will come up for SPM. That's to be used in an open-discussion/ meeting tomorrow with some close friends. They got their own sources too..hee hee, top secret...it's fun doing this, it's like being in a top mafia gang or something.

At the same time, my mind keeps finding things for me to do to keep my mind off my impending doom. ( euphemism for 'having an excuse') I've been reading plenty of books lately; just finished Great Expectations by Charles Dickens yesterday & an obscure one by Sidney Sheldon last week. And of all times, my mind has to bring back thoughts of the ex...BANISH THEM, DAMN THEM ALL!!! ARGHHH...SPM stress? nooooo~

"If only language didn't exist, then my mind wouldn't be enshrouded in
thoughts all the time..."

KL the city of hell

The big city.

How terrifying.

I've been there a couple of times this year and I didn't like it at all.

Cramped. Humongous. Tall. Monotonous. Loud. Busy.

So different from the demure Kajang town. Everything is relaxed here. (and there's lots of space to move around) Whenever I think of that place, my heart skips a beat. Like fish out of water...Somehow the steely exterior makes me feel inferior to everyone else living there, especially near Istana Budaya...I hated that place.

I'm moving there.

Well, nearby. There's the consolation for me.