A bad omen

The neighbors' dog has been howling and wailing for the past few nights. Mother says it's a sign something bad's about to happen. Usually I dismiss these things with scientific proof and research, but I don't let it go all the way.

The end?

I can't stand blogging anymore. It's just the same as writing diaries except that you type this one out. Heck, I've never been able to keep diaries, each one was shortlived.

So congrats B, you've had me for the longest; 4 years. Now I'll just chuck you in a corner until I feel really really deprived to post again. Or maybe I'll edit this post from time to time. Nostalgia. Bleh.

Oh crap. Where's it gone?

Foundation has its bad effects on me, since now I'm studying subjects related to my future job, it's taken the fun out of 'school-life'. At least A-levels was still school. I don't find any more time to vent out my creative juices. No more literature? Oh horrors!

Actually I don't really care. Not even for the fact that I missed out the audition for the A levels Translations play for the role of that mute girl I've been eyeing (okay, it does hurt...a lot). Well, let's just say that teenage me would have murdered me again and again for what I am doing to myself.

Growing up is such a drag.

Off to bawah sana

Happy Merdeka in advance people!

I won't be on the net for a while... leaving for Singapore for some business opportunity :)

I've never been much of a nationalist anyway

Finally!

Check out the Otakuzone, The Star today...albeit some short quotes..

"I am a nocturnal creature" The way they put it makes me sound off, can't they put it like "loves the night life?" Anyway..what's done is done.

They had to put the photo with the dented dimple...

You can't really see it though.

Wanted to dye my hair green, booked an appointment at Wings Salon, whose owner is Vinxx. (Gee, how creative can they get already?)

Mother threw a hissy fit on why I should go back to my old hairstylist in Kajang who's been doing my hair since 10. So to appease her, I went along with her about 2 hours before my appointment time.

Not that I have anything against her, but something tells me that a home-operating hairstylist whose customers mostly compromise of old aunties & homemakers would not have the colour I want.

Parked outside her house. Heart beating fast

Went into the hairstyling room anticipation,
fear

"Do you have this colour?" The moment of life &
death

"Nah, it's not popular in my salon.." Victory!!!

Quick! Hide that triumphant smile before she sees it!

Oh, no...too late. She caught it. Wow, what a scowl.

:P

Links on event

http://www.1utama.com.my/Event/EventView.aspx?Filter=8%602007&id=2007731400448760&PageA=0&PageB=0

http://www.star-ecentral.com/news/story.asp?file=/2007/8/18/tvnradio/18614023&sec=tvnradio

3rd time's the charm

1st call to One-Stop Party Shop

"No, we don't have it, sorry"

2nd call to CostumesNparties

"Oh, we don't have that"

3rd call to Century Fiesta

"Only for rent, RM15 with a RM60 deposit"

Desa Sri Hartamas, here I come for my ears!

My best friend trouble

I'm sorry Rachel, it was my fault. You did not gain weight. It was what exactly I told you. I believe that every incident has a reason. If it wasn't for this, the corset wouldn't have had that unique gold fastening. If my dad didn't send me to the wrong church, I wouldn't have gotten the brilliant belt turned choker. So thank you Rachel, you were excellent.

The outfit is almost completed; I just have to decorate it with ribbons, lace & all sorts of thinkamagiks. The only problem I'm having with it is how to make an alternative fastening at the back of the corset. Because (the model put on weight) I sewn the fabric on the expandable part of the corset, it wasn't able to stretch fully & now I have to make a makeshift shoelace like fastening to hold it so it wouldn't drop.

Alright! So I'm angry that it didn't fit her. On the fitting day, I just told her what I typed on the top to appease her clueless ness on why it didn't fit her like it did before. When I got home, I realized how tough it is to change the corset & smsed her to try to control her body for this week...perhaps on a quick diet. At first, she agreed to it. Later she changed her mind & kept repeating this line:

"I DID NOT PUT ON WEIGHT"

Someone got smart & added later what I told her earlier. Hello, I only told you that because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings because we were going to have a video shoot of the fitting, I didn't want my words to affect your performance. Not that it was any good anyway, when Bill says to walk more girly, you don't become more wooden than you already are. Heck, he walks better than you!

She even had the cheek to tell me to just make the corset fit her. Wow, now that's a model in the making, not even one yet & she's starting to act like a stereotype. Hah, she's lucky she's stuck with me, otherwise any other designer would have dropped Miss Princess & her annoying bf who keeps asking "Does it hurt?" when I was being as careful as possible while pinning the corset on her.
(Have I told you yet? They come in a package)

On another note, I'm still looking for my Legolas ears. I've been trying to call a few numbers Spannerworks Event Company provided me with but still no answer. I hope I can get a cheap pair, I think I already overblown my budget...sigh..any ideas where I can get one cheap for sale/rent?

Too many Did nots

I've been busy for the past week... too many unfortunate events happening..so I'll just do it like the Nintendo DS Pokemon Pearl Journal style (Get the DS, it's so damn fun you won't wanna take your hands off it..for real =P)

Wed, 8 Aug - Tried the RKL Express bus, Back to Kajang to get pastels from Helen, Missed my moral quiz while using the bus...(NEVER AGAIN unless unnessasary)

Thurs, 9 Aug - Started my 4 day part time job selling GPS systems at MAPA, Sold my 1st (& last) unit

Fri, 10 Aug - Did not sell any units. Found out classmate has succeeded into pursuading another guy to be the transport for our before-2nd-sem-starts-last-trip...(Future post perhaps? )

Sat, 11 Aug - Did not sleep the whole night, came to job sick, did not finish resketch of design, corset did not fit model, model DID NOT watch her body, michelle DID NOT keep her cool, michelle DID NOT have a good day.

Sun, 12 Aug - Went to church late, got a job offer to Singapore from boss & a chance to work from home later, did not sell any units, got threatened by a useless bastard (c'mon, I'm just a part-timer, what do I know bout the rules & politics of event management?) Found out that part-time crush is married (Ooh, that's too bad..haha), went back to a screaming banshee, thought of someone (no, not that one), and had the best sleep in days!

Mon, 13 Aug - Back to see the tailor in Kajang, used the slow buses again=4 hours spent travelling, trip to The Curve cancelled, stepped into cement, tore my jeans, & overusing my computer hours (again)

Redo! Redo! Redo!

Shit! I made a silly miscalculation on the pleats for the top..they don't exactly look 'eye pleasing'. So I picked at everything to start over. And to think that I wanted to mix batik material with the blue silk thing I found...oh gosh...

I HAVE to keep reminding myself that:

LESS IS EVERYTHING

First fitting

I grilled the sewing machine just minutes before I departed to FACT again...& what a disappointment..it seems that's I'm the only one who's got more than 50% of my garment completed. Well, there was this other girl..who had to change the whole colour of her outfit....



They had the whole tv crew from AXN/Animax come over to do interviews & walkthroughs ala Project Runway with Bill Keith acting as Tim Gunn of some sort..that guy's hilarious..we all know he sways the other way, so he used that to bully the cameraman...but I don't think that's appropriate for national TV..haha, but you should have been there..

Sneak preview of my design

I wanted to use umbrella spokes in the design, but Bill said since my outfit is already feminine, well, he just doesn't want Rachel to look like an insect. Oh, have I mentioned? Rachel, my model is the daughter of Lewre owner! Woohoo! Free shoes!

I made a few friends... most of them are fashion students... well, I thank them for being extremely patient with this noob in fashion. One taught me how to do a choker..another cute guy taught me how to do ruffles. He's so cute! Well, Bill puts on mascara but this one looks much better with it, you could just pinch his cheeks...I envy him, he's so natural on camera. I can't..I become a bit woody, like Daniel Radcliffe's or Keanu's.

By the way, you can still vote for my design..3RD Row, 3RD column..just register once, & vote for me! Well...they said you can vote only once, but I've tried the system & I've already voted 3 times for myself..(hehehehe, kiasuness)

http://www.animax-asia.com/fashion-ability/vote-step1.asp

Bothways halfway done

Why am I here? I've got a visit from Mr. Procrastinator again.

I got the skirt...the petals look a bit..too curly..had to iron them down. I guess it's my fault that I told her to sew the edges like a tudung...so everything curled inwards..other than that, it looks lovely. Too girly in fact, I had to change the whole outlook from Gothic Lolita to kawaii- impish girl..sigh..

I'm working on the top...I tried to take the shortcut way by folding all the cloth like a fan and sew it directly on the corset..but I got stopped in time by my mother...Oh well...we'll see what I can come up with in 15 hours flat. First fitting's at 2pm..and I'll be making another trip to Kamdar first thing in the morning to get some more tulle, organza, silk & chiffon.

Oh JOY!

Alright! My design has been posted up on the website!

http://www.animax-asia.com/fashion%2Dability/vote-step1.asp

Click on the link to see it! The 3RD ROW, 3RD COLUMN! The one with the orange hair, blue butterfly top, & the purple petal skirt!

Well, I managed to get a sari seamstress to make the puffed out skirt for me, since she had some experience in making concert outfits for kindergarden kids...like a Spanish Flamenco dress.

I'm doing the top myself, with mixtures of batik, feathers..all sorts of stuff...It's gonna be much more complicated than the drawing you see at the website....more gothic. Anyway, spare some time to register once & vote for me =)

Come give your support at the event 18th August at OU 2pm-8pm to see my creation come alive! MUAHAHAHAHA~ =P

Fashion! Ooh la la~

Something, probably the current worthy highlight of my entire life; just happened!!! I was chosen to be one of the top 20 finalists to compete in the Animax Fashion Ability competition!

Thanks to dad, who typed the paticulars on the back of my designs amidst frequent nagging from me everyday to quickly send it in, thanks to Pos Malaysia for not screwing up my big chance to be discovered, & finally thanks to Animax for extending the deadline for one more week, otherwise this would have never happened.

1. Meet designers 28 July 2007 at F.A.C.T. College
2. 1st fitting 4 August 2007 at F.A.C.T. College
3. Final fitting/Crash course 11 August 2007 at F.A.C.T College
4. Event day 18 August 2007 at 1 Utama

The meeting of designers & pairing off with models start today at FACT college in Bukit Bintang...you know, ala Project Runway...but on a bit smaller scale. Keep reading here to get updates on how I do!

Wish this person, who's only experience in sewing is making dolls & toys, all the luck she can get! (I'll post pictures of my design once I get the clear from the organizers)

Never changed

It will be my horrifying Computing test in 10 hours time & I, as usual, flirting with time; am dilly-dallying around with the computer. Well, it's related, see..not that I'm using it now for the actual test. Heck, why should there be a written test for IT? They should've just put our faces smack on the moniter & get us to type some things out. I'll screw up the test anyway, so why bother typing this out? Oh..of course, just to please Mr.Procastination, my current best friend.

Why the hell am I studying computing anyway? Alright, it did help me in the sense that I am now equipped with the basic knowledge of MS office stuff. But what I really need is how to use Media based stuff; Publisher, Adobe shit..etc.

Sigh, I really do miss literature...but I rarely have the time to dilly-dally with you anymore...or is it maybe because I chose not to?

Ill again

The throbs in my head faster than my heart;
I cannot breathe properly,
not enough blood being pumped to my body,
A dry lump in my throat.
I'm in such pain, no it's not my fucking brain!
Nor my malfunctioning body;
My soul, my soul...
The shattered pieces pieced together,
have been shattered once again..
by the ones I thought I loved,
by the ones I loved,
by the ones I love..
For their own selfish needs,
Have you realised what you've done to me?

I'm a freakin' banana Pt.2

Some of my classmates just can't seem to understand why I sway the other way...The fact that I don't like being associated with boys of my own race.

Why? I look at home & cry at my dad who fits the China man/ah beng stereotype perfectly..in other words; boring. Boring. Boring. I can't imagine how life would be if I end it with a Chinese; oh wait..I can..hmm, predictable, routine, and a hum-drum contented-ever-after cycle of life.

Okay, so not all of them are that bad. I've met some interesting characters in the past. But these people I've met are definitely not available; or have been taken up by some other lucky bananas already. Argh!, I missed the train again. What more, I'd have communication problems with him. So, alright, I'm not that bad at speaking my mother tongue, in fact~ I've been practising everyday with my Chinese-ed classmates. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that there are 3 more bananas in my class? Same like me, they were too lazy to use the language in their school years, that they forgot it almost entirely! I'm so lucky..hahaha~

I need excitement! Which is what I see people of the other races have. Everything spontaneous, fun & thrilling. Everyday something not expected. Of course, life would be more of a risk then...as you never know what trials might come your way. So why do I sway the other way, when I can have a safe, stable life with an ah-beng? Cause I cannot stand a static life...simply said & done.

P/S: Plus, I love the colour contrast of skin against each other, sexy! Woo hoo~Lolz~

Neither here nor there

I love my body.
The shape.
The way my skin sticks to the bones.
My Bow legs.
Every scar on the surface.
The petiteness.
The hourglass with very narrow tops.

But now I'm having doubts. Back in my hometown, I was the small girl. The title was bestowed upon me by some guy. Now in the city, I see so many more pint-sized girls. 3-feet-lotus-women. And boy, do they look good. Suddenly I feel awkward. I can't be labeled small, big, or A-O-K. I"m a bloody misfit! Sigh, I worry too much about these stupid things.

No Joy at all

Those living in Malaysia, you've probably already heard all the hullabaloo of that "removing-the-religion-from-the-IC" issue. About how some think it's right while others feel that it's a sign on how their rights are being withheld. It's painful yes, but amid all that chaos & so-called-under-control, I found something particularly tickling:

One local TV station highlighted the incident of the crowding outside the high court, awaiting the results of the appeal, describing it as a gentle gathering. How brilliant! How absolutely witty yet so careful! Despite all that tension on free speech & hush-hush, you, have managed to slip in a bit of humor into that entire furor.

I salute the local media

Yesterday

A glint of hope

A shimmer of joy

A brush with happiness

But only for a minute? I need more.

Queen of Procastination

A friend told me how much he loves immersing himself in work. After finishing the workload, he'll reward himself with MORE work.

I don't understand.

How very apt

Silence is unnatural to man. He begins life with a cry and ends it in stillness. In the interval he does he does all he can to make noise in the world , and there are few things of which he stands in more fear than the absence of noise. Even his conversation is in great measure a desperate attempt to prevent a dreadful silence. If he is introduced to a fellow-mortal, and a number of pauses occur in the conversation, he regards himself as a failure, a worthless person, and is full of envy of the emptiest-headed chatterbox. He knows that 99.9% , of human conversation means no more than the buzzing of a fly, but he longs to join in the buzz, and to prove that he is a man and not a waxwork figure. The object of a conversation is not, for the most part, to communicate ideas: it is to keep up the buzzing sound. There are, it must be admitted, different qualities of buzz: there is even buzz that is as exasperating as the continuous ping of a mosquito. But at a dinner party one would rather be a mosquito than a mute. Most buzzing, fortunately, is agreeable to the ear, and some of it is agreeable even to the mind. He would be a foolish man, however, who waited till he had a wise thought to take part in the buzzing with his neighbours. Those who despise the weather as a conversational opening seem to me to be ignorant of the reason why human beings wish to talk. Very few human beings join in a conversation in the hope of learning anything new. Some of them are content if they are merely allowed to go on making a noise into other people's ears, though they have nothing to tell them except that they have seen two or three new plays or that they had bad food in a Swiss hotel. At the end of an evening during which they have said nothing at immense length they justly plume themselves on their success as conversationalists.

"Silence" from "The Money Box"

How I wish money really grew on trees now...

Ever since the windfall after the SPM results came out, I've been spending like..well, like I've never spent before. (hahaha) My estimated expenditure would have (by today) added up to more than RM1k. Oh gosh, have I really spent that much? In less than 2 months?? Where did it all go? Oh yeah, to replenish my bland wardrobe for 'college life'. I know, it would have been able to feed dozens of families in some impoverished country, but I really needed to burn some cash after years of kedekuting it out all my secondary-school life. It's a nice distraction when I'm feeling depressed. Just yesterday, I was ready to slit my wrists, and today I'm as happy, um..as I've never been happy before? Lol, Nah, that's not real happiness..I'm still waiting for it to hit me..pure happiness. Rare, but not impossible to achieve in my oh-I-don't-know-how-many-years I have left. Gee, I hope it does come one day.

P/s: I've banked in the same amount of what I spent already, to ease up the guilt factor..sigh..what I do for a living..

Hell

A world without inhibition
No rules
No leaders
No dictators
No hypocrites
No religion
No colours
No lies
No truth

Just faith
Freedom
Heaven

And then I woke up

Cook
I cooked
Clean
I cleaned
Go
I went
Work
I worked
Love me
I loved you
End it
I did not, so you did

Death pt.2

Maybe I should give up,
Maybe I should not,
Maybe I should try,
Maybe I should not,
What's with all the shoulds & should nots?
I don't need anyone commanding my every move.
But I am a doll after all;
limbs useless without the strings,
controlled by the one above.
I want my own life;
can I just switch off, or switch on?
Can I decide for myself what is good,
what is not?
I want my own life;
I try to cut my strings,
but you sew them to your skin.

Noticed?

I'm changing into an everyday, normal girl. That's a good thing, isn't it? That's what I've been trying to be: a fun-loving, average girl who listens to pop songs & goes on multiple shopping sprees, watches movies at GSC..so that I wouldn't stand out so much & be more able to mix around with your everyday Tom, Dick & Harry..(speaking of a Harry, Hahahaha*)

Well, I thought it would be good, but who knew it would bring more harm to me? Anyway, if I did stay that way, this blog would be dead (& revived as a bimbo blog)
BACK TO DEPRESSION!

Like a boy

Love isn't real. All he ever was, is a word created to sum up all the different feelings of affections, infatuation, puppy love, lust, & care.

Love is a game. When you think you lost, you are given a chance to replay. You win it when you find the ONE soulmate...(which is so rare in the world we live today) So you marry someone. Big deal. Divorces & mistresses didn't exist for nothing. Which brings us to another point, cheaters. No matter how hard you try, you will eventually get caught. =) ...Though it is fun to cheat once in awhile in any game, don't you think?

Love has a mind of his own. If you take advantage of him, he will find some way to get back at you...like his good friend karma. Just when you think you're winning, he knocks you down back to square 1. Somehow, when you're losing...you just keep losing.

Love is nothing.

An actual conversation that happened in class

Mr.J: Whaaat izzz duh meaneeeng offuh hurricane??
Girl waving her hand in the air: Oh, it's basically a strong wind, though I'm not sure if that is the dictionary meaning of it...
Mr.J: Yeessss, dat izzz duh meaning offuh..hurry-caane...how do youuu spell hurrra-cane?
Girl waving her hand in the air: That's H-U-R-R-I-C-A-N-E, sir.
Mr.J :Thaat's riight...now why is this sweet young guurrl the only one answering my quesstionsss?

Girl in the sky-blue dhotti: oh my god...it's holy week & I'm already swearing..

The little device of doom

I still remember the time I worshipped the hand phone. How I begged ( & bugged) my parents every single day to get me one. It's funny how I believed that once I get it, my social life would improve on the spot.

Yes, sure it has improved my social life; winning some friends, dates, ons(!) & enemies. Oh, the diversity of the new ppl I meet is so refreshing, & shopping trips with my friends are so much more easier to organize. No more need to sneak around borrowing my parents' phones or using the public phones..hahaha.

The phone has actually brought me more pain than joy. Alright, alright....so a recent bad event had a huge impact on me. Big shit. I'm learning to deal with it all...soon, I can boast about having experienced every single thing a youth of the 21st-century should have...well, it's nothing to be proud of really. I've been more thick-skinned these days...less dependent or obsessive. Just chilling with life...back to depression. The norm. A "happy michelle" just doesn't sound right.

Broken again & again

All the stuff that ever appeared in the media about cheating in relationships emphasize on the pains of the cheated one, & how to deal with the one that cheated. Trust me, it sucks.

But they never did touch on the feelings of the third party. Sigh.

Change of view

Life is sweet. I know it sounds cruel, but I'm happy that most of my fellow course mates came as loners for the March intake. I have this special knack of making friends with these loners, as I was ( & still is sometimes) one of them. I believe in Karma, do unto others what you want done unto you. Unfortunately, I got shunned as the social outcast for many years in primary school, so I feel this kind of responsibility to make sure no one feels like the social outcast...so that no one will turn out like me, the one that was hurt before..well, at least I'm not as alone now as I was in A-levels. Here, I get to meet the international students from India, Dubai, Pakistan that I befriended in early January. And also a church boy who cracks jokes all the time, causing me to hyperventilate & get a mini-heart attack..hahaha. It's so fun being around these people, they never fail to make me laugh.

Oh, have I forgot to mention that I dropped out of A-levels & now doing foundation in ARTS?

The best part about it is that my classes are all at the main block. Which means I don't need to ride on the freaking lift. I've got this fear that the lift will keep going down & down to the center of the earth, stuck in an oven..brr~But anyway, I've only got 3 days of college per week! How cool is that, that a lazy bum like me can bum even more at home..hahaha! Oh yeah, I didn't like A-levels cuz it didn't allow me to be a lazy bum that I am..though I'll miss Literature in english..O how I miss you Miss Caro; my first lesson in intermediate english was about vocabulary. How unchallenging...well, I guess it's fair since most of my classmates come from Chinese-ed. schools. Did I mention that I get permanent classmates from now on? LOVELY!! The second lesson was study skills; with the oh-so-handsome-&-metro-the-guy-that-every-girl-was-gushing-about Mr.Daniel. He asked us what is needed for success. I told him exploitation. Why? (well, in SPM I took advantage of the edu. system by spotting questions..hah! serves them right for making the 'A' so important...oh, taking advantage) Oh, sorry sir..It's carpe diem..seize the moment.

"I aspire to be a failure. If I do become a failure, I'm successful. Even if I don't, I'm still successful."

-From some comic I read in Myc magazine-

Back home

Alright and not so alright...enough for me to get some monetary reward, not enough to apply for a merit scholarship from HELP..sigh. I'll try for the star Education fund scholarship still.

BM-3B, BI SPM(1A) O-lev (1A), Moral 3B, History 2A (huh??), Biology 4B, Chemistry 1A, Physics 1A (yay!!), EST 2A , Maths 1A, Bible Knowledge 5C (haha, as expected), & English Literature 4B (HUH??)

Here's a slight analysis of the year's graphs. Moral exam was relatively easy, so they marked it strictly...(haha, so much for my easy-going plan), History was tough ( for those who didn't spot questions like me, haha) so they marked it easily. There was a lil problem with EST graph...and English Literature?? Don't ask me...just read this old post =)
http://mishieru.blogspot.com/2006/12/michelle-shrink.html

But wait a minute, my english teacher ( and the rest of my English Lit classmates) wants me to appeal for my English Literature grade, she believes that I should get an A for it, she EXPECTED me to get an A for it. So looks like I'll be going back to my hometown soon...

Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know. I've become emotionless these days already...Ultimately, the nature of this event in certainly keeping up with the blog's title,haha.

A wrinkle in time

A new look to usher in the new year

The new year where it all ends

Well, just for the moment's time. I'm stopping this blog until I feel the occasional need to jot down some musings I had...All this 4 years of blogging have almost drained out all of my creative juices..I need time to regain it back. Right now, I'm channeling it towards English Literature...Well, I'll post once I get my SPM results. And when I find a new muse, (wish me luck on that) I'll return to the ol'hole. :)

Sesat case

"You're so lost"

Well, excuse me miss. If you haven't noticed, I'm doing A-levels purely for English Literature. The reason why I'm taking Physics and Biology is to back me up since I'm not good at ART subjects. Though I'm not doing science after this pre-u, that doesn't give you any right to JUDGE me, you bitch. So, I may be the only one in the Lit. discussion group that's doing science while the rest of you are doing econs, accounts. So all the group discussions and meetings are disrupted because of my weird timetable. Big deal, in the end of the day, A-levels is purely EXAM-based and none of this bonding would be of any help. SO SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH UP!

I just gave her a sheepish smile

Busy Bee

I got myself involved in a movie made by the youths of my new church. After the audition, I've been given one of the main roles. The bad part is that filming takes place during the March school hols. which no longer applies to me; meaning I have to skip some classes or so. The worse part is that they are 2 understudies who badly want the role as I do. (Which is 'the bitchy, neglected brat with rich parents to boot, hell I'll have to be something I hate) "Like, who is this new girl? I've never seen her in church before, how can they give the role to the newcomer?" Guess I'll have to put in everything I've got to show the understudies who's the boss..haha. Start from the bottom before I claw my way up.

I might be joining Toastmasters International Club, but the Adventure Club sounds a bit interesting too. No doubt I'm joining HIGS (HELP Indoor Games Society). I'll just have to wait for the club promo day.

Redeemed (for good?)

I can smile again, thank you Lord.
For the times I doubted your existence, you forgave me.
For the times I despised everything in me, you gave me so many reasons today to smile again. Thank you.

The animal within

Like a snake;
violent when provoked,
yet very patient.
attacks with fury when troubled.
The fixed smile on its face,
the permanent expression;
hides all emotions and feelings it might have;
pain, fear, joy, anger, sadness...
Silently, bemoaning the curse;
detested by all, seeked out with a vengeance.
Silently, and subtly
evades its foes.
Silently, wondering
how long more it can stand being alone.


There is a demon in me. It's not your everyday evil being with long sharp fangs etc. Just imagine Edward Scissorhand crossed with Professor Snape. Gloomy, possessing me, causing me to despise myself, deny any love that is shown to me, lose faith towards everyone, deny forgiveness, making me question my own existence. Well, I guess with angels, come along demons too.

The Ultimate Goal

Every year, I keep saying this to myself, my personal quest to be normal. Normal as in to just be like every other Tom, Dick & Harry. Less psychotic or eccentric. I don't mind standing out, it's just that I really want to decrease the peculiar side in me, to fit in...um, how do I say this? Oh yes, I have this habit of talking to myself, or acting out conversations my way, that should have been, or would be. Maybe if a child did such things, it would be called 'play pretend'..But an eighteen year old? That's one thing to reduce...Another would be thinking too much. Especially of morbid things. Like, what if she died this way, or how would my funeral be? I also need to keep my emotions in check, I cry too much...I really need to be less manic-depressive.

On another note, there is this quirky part; crying no matter how hard I try to stop or prepared beforehand, for an interview of any sort. I believe this stemmed back from my kindergarden days. Well, I was very mischievous (more to devilish) and was often brought in to see the headmistress. From those days onwards, I had a fear of interrogation..haha.

Lastly, I need to rid myself of self-critique. A visiting counselor in my school kept pressing on for an appointment but I kept avoiding her, saying that I'm busy with homework and SPM (Haha, a white lie to save my day) Apparently, she said that it can destruct one's mental strength or...I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention. Oh yeah, that's another thing too.

Intake A49

Orientation sucks...I know the student council was trying their very best, but I had uterus cramps the whole damn 2 days! Couldn't find anymore Uphamol300 to treat my migraine. Alright, usually people suffer PMS before it really happens, but it just hadda happen on my first day, and I really wasn't in the mood to do anymore networking. It was freezing cold, but I was sweating like a dog ( Do they really sweat? anyway...)

Tried befriending some girls. (The boys were keeping to themselves, others were stuck in their own cliques formed way before orientation started). Found a nice Malay girl, (can't remember her name, and I bet she can't remember mine too) and two best friends who are joining me in E.Lit class (forgot theirs too, sorry!)...found out the former was a year younger than me, so that's why I could get along with her so easily. Sadly, she's doing all arts subjects...so the odds of me having a class with her is kinda low.

Then the best thing happened yet today!! On the way up, I saw...(nah, it can't be..)..well, whaddaya know, it's Miss.Angel! The Australian Chindian who looks like an Indian is studying ADP (liberal arts) YAY! Spent the whole afternoon with her catching up on stuff, and later hung out with another old church buddy who's my senior in A-levels. Angel's so LUCKY! The Malay girl & I saw this really good-looking foreigner (we thought he was a Brit) who came in our orientation by mistake. Later found out from Angel he's a Russian!! (Gotta borrow the Russian-language-for-dummies book from my tour-guide uncle) Hehee~Looks like the sarong-party-girlishness in me ain't dead yet.

The big bang

"Lips stained red from New Year's wine.."

Okay, so this happened awhile ago. Maybe it won't seem to be very important for anyone else, but it was a very significant event in my life!!

I finally did it. Yes, the one people love to use against you, to classify you as the bimbo China doll. I've got the bangs! Straight cut it is, I don't know what I was thinking when I did it.
After all, I've been keeping my 'curtains' for over 5 years. Now, my blogger profile picture looks exactly like me.