The double-edged sword

Should I have even started?
If I was planning the end from the start.

And with that, concludes this open vault of my thoughts.

It's in the name

Did I choose to mindlessly deliberately (lol) copy&chop up the name of a well-known book series? (Which I must say, is interesting, but not enough to grab my attention to donate my precious time for the 7)

Oh what a coincidence!

The name came to me subconsciously, say what you want, but that's that.

I was thinking 5 years ago;

• Yeah, I get lucky at times..but how often am I actually happy?
• I'm not exactly disaster-prone either
• 70% of the time I'm manic-depressive, not to the point of wall-head banging
• I'm a Wednesday child, but woe isn't exactly me
• I'm not the first thought that comes to ppl's minds on the word 'happy'
• My good things happen, the bad things happen more...but they rarely do obstruct the former..sometimes

Tadah. The simplicity, not mod, not minimalist, not pompous. Just me, 'the words can't seem to come to mind'. My life is fortunate, but not so exactly. Ambiguity. Lalalalalala. (Or maybe I might have heard/read/seen it somewhere subconsciously. wahahaha)

Speaking of luck, I finally booked a spot in the Bratz, a young journalist programme held by The Star @ one-way-internship-ticket & your only chance to get a job as a columnist. The minimum age requirement is 16 and the oldest; 19. The master of procrastinator had waited & waited to turn 16 for her chance and continued waiting till the last moment; 19.

Am I treasuring a moment I once held on a pedestal of sorts? Hmm, writing is a forte, but not exactly a passion...it's the things I write about. Impurity...heh, sorry oh-countless-newsletters, I'm a fake 'writer'.

w00t

I want to start a new blog!

Just in case you don't know yet, (hardy-har-har) my life isn't all about gloom & doom & locking myself up in my room just...thinking.
But to start posting photos of the delightful little things I stumble upon in my daily adventures in this blog? It doesn't feel right, it's all so gloomy and dark in here you just feel choked under all that black cloud, and suddenly some random photos of woohoos and wheeeeee~s pop out? Look at the post below, what the heck is something so bright and happy lala doing here? ARGH, my mind is telling me something here LOL LOL LOL


This blog used to be a great balance on life; in and out of my head. Now, it's all about my inner..thoughts. HAHA, and it's hard for me to switch the direction of where all this is going. Well, the bad part if I wanted to start a new blog is that I have to give up the painfully thought up URL...unless I delete the archives here...or maybe a new page? Hmm.

What to expect (if I don't procrastinate as I always do): The life of a girl who believes shopping is best done alone, travelling around cities, hopping off trains and buses, getting lifts from random...acquaintances :D, walking just to save some peanut money, snapping pics of modern indie art, collecting art, my obsession with miniatures and indie/brit bands, finding out places with the spiciest tomyam to top off the previously-spiciest (my tastebuds gets blah after awhile)...etc. Haha, I'm ranting and it feels good to be doing this again

The fatalist

My words rehearsed

Heck, even my thoughts are rehearsed

Since everything is planned out, can I know what's in store for me?

Errrrr.....

Farewell for now

Doolittle is now independent of Higgins

Redundant

Temporary contentment

Thursday, October 05, 2006 Suicidal notes

How I miss my childhood.
The carefree days.
Everything was clean and fun.
Now, it all seems murky and all in a disarray.

I am in a dream.
A dream that will end soon.
I am still living out my childhood.
To your eyes, I am a young woman.
In my heart, I am forever a child.

Oh, how I will miss the days without worries and thoughts.
I want to end my life before it is too late.
Stop my life at the age before becoming ...
To make my dream an everlasting one..
Will be pure bliss for me.

Alas, fear stopped me.
Curiosity told me to continue with my dreaded life
"Wouldn't you love to know what's to become of you?"
What's to become of me?
Oh, what's to become of me?


I went through my old posts and one caught my eye..
And to think I had written this 2 years ago...Let me explain the 2nd and 3rd verse.

I was afraid of 'growing up', or otherwise losing my sense of curiosity and independence of thought. Caught in the realm of 'becoming', I knew I was soon losing my sense of individuality, hence the desire to kill myself. Well, the dream ended not too long after I wrote that.

The mind grows in two ways. From the innocenct inquisitive mind of a child; into a conditioned adult mind, or one who questions forever. I was in between, the frustration...but now it doesn't matter. My mind is now lost in the realm of me. I don't have to worry about adaptation or fitting in for now. So as long I have my mask in handy :)

Nude remix

This is amazing, check it out. A few weeks back, Radiohead organized a an online competition to remix 'Nude', a song of their pay-what-you-want album, In Rainbows. So you just have to download parts of the songs (which you have to pay for...haha) and do what you want. This guy missed the deadline, but he posted it up anyway.

Well, you can guess I'm a major fan(atic) of Radiohead

Uncertainty is exciting

Me: It defeats the purpose of confession all together doesn't it?

Michael: What?

Me: "I am not worthy to receive you, but I only say the word and I shall be healed.."

-Long Pause-

Me: What is the word anyway? The Gospel, the readings? The Psalm? 'The word'

Michael: : "I am a figment of your imagination! You did not know! How could I??"

Me: Oh stop quoting Gusteau. I guess it shall remain unknown for now. Uncertainty is sort of exciting.

(Effects of thinking too much)

I'm starting to feel that being different is a waste of time. I keep putting myself in a 3rd-person-view and realising how silly my behaviour is; running around like a nutcase, pacing-never-walking, walking with a limp (when the hip bone dislocation has healed a long time ago, even though the sinseh said I'll be crippled in old age..), constantly thinking people are watching me, or trying to grab people's attention for some weird reason I don't exactly know what. Haha.

But then again, being different was and has always been a permanent objective since 2 years old. Yes I remember. Changing my course would be changing my personality all together, the horrors!

Hah! Irrational beliefs...I mean, cognitive distortions. LOL, Psych's caught up to me. (Oh yes, I'm an undergraduate now) If I keep analyzing my thoughts, it seems that I don't want to stop being different, it's an endearment to me; instead, I don't like that much attention focused on me anymore. And this was the first reason why I wanted to be different.

Seems that the instrument has become a goal by itself.

Or this could be all a fluke and another bout of intern's disease by little paranoid me.

*I'm curious to learn how the professionals would interpret me. I always thought of myself as an interesting specimen to prod. Will be seeing one soon on my free time. Results will be posted up, I've got nothing to hide anymore. You've been exposed to my blahs and whether you understand it or not doesn't matter. I blog to reaffirm my ambiguous thought :P

The teacher

I had a mentor.

She shared the same name with me...an adopted child (found out in later years), a year older.

She had courage, the guts to speak against anyone who opposed her and was never afraid to display her immense hatred for the headmistress.

Tough; remaining strong even after they transferred her to Henry Gurney's

Cold, ruthless and strong; bashing in the heads of fellow schoolmates who got on her nerves despite being outnumbered.

Yet all in all; she was nice to me, accepting the outsider, the outcast, the pipsqueak junior into her gang of school bad hats.

And that was enough to create a new mission in life; to make sure no one else suffers the same fate as I, being left out.

And then she left.

Without a note, only the wind telling me that you left your parents, had a child, cohabiting with your lover, substance abuse...the works. Funny, I didn't feel a loss.

Because I have someone else now to teach me more. Love of the life, friend for eternity, dear old Henry. :)

Dimmer, slightly, lightly

I haven't been doing much for myself lately. (except daily shopping sprees). While old peers are shining brightly with many things to their names, I have been brought down to the status of working-class; the boredom, the routine, mundane. It must be getting to my head as I actually look forward to go to work each day.

So I compensated for my evil deed (hah) by going on a shopping spree at Pay Less Books. (still....most of the books I buy are craft books..I'm almost ignoring literature...)

Spreading the confusion

I've been more open about my thoughts recently, meaning to say I have been (accidentally) blurting them out in public. A good thing? Problem is not many people understand my thoughts. I'm in a world of my own.

Imagination, live on

He, who is different from all,

Yet, so very similar to me (only I can see)

Millions and millions of things run through his mind (as does mine)

You can hear his every thought (mine, silent)

Every encountered dialogue repeated again and again

rehearsed, The endless plays in his head

You call it gibberish (I think it amusing)

You tell him to ‘stop following’
(But I want him to go on)

-into sleep

He said he would call.

I told him he needn't (softly, hoping he didn't hear)

Yet I waited..and waited..why am I acting like the gaggly 16 year old I was once, living off the hand of a mere mortal human..and waited..it's not like I'm falling for him, well I think it's mutual, ugh..who am I kidding? Everytime I speculate it mostly turns out wrong, well even he said that I speculate too much.. and waited. Crap, now I'm letting him influence my thought, wasn't I supposed to get rid of that stupid habit of mine; to get deeply involved in what others say about me?.. now now, this is not smart of you at all. THINK. You can't expect him to call you everyday now, he's working, yes, but hour-long calls cost a bomb, you know that! YOU just finished RM22 talking to a stranger (I prefer to call that a new perspective), and you definately don't want to breach the line of desperate! And how, maybe...he did listen.

He apologized the next day,

...I forgave him almost immediately.

I'm turning soft..sigh

Thoughts on impulse

No time before it's too soon

No time after it's too late

Time's getting old, time's over now

Don't try to be on time

Don't try to run after time

Time's getting on, time's over now

I'm a little boy, you're a little girl

Once upon a time

..Imagination: 50 years onwards...

...

He says, "If only we did, imagine how we would have turned out," She says, "Elope? Probably, we'd have ran down south," "And then in a bachelor's pad" "Just two of us" "Once we've saved up, we'd have migrated to some obscure part of the world where no one stereotypes of judges people for their shortcomings and past faults," "Start a life anonymously" "One to share" "Lost in our own little world" "No more cares, just...if only" She says, "If only..but it's too late now, isn't it? (Smiles) Goodness, and I've been telling you my life concept of living the present, forget the past, leave future alone'..." He says, "But I know you too well, you can never let go of the past," "Too late...too late"

Too late.

I don't want this to happen! I won't let it...hopefully..

Mamak Talk #1

A friend had a little chat with me today. She's always the kind that puts down everything you do as useless or 'ma-fan', but with no malicious intent whatsoever. Just like a big sis.

Usual lunch time at 4pmish...the banter would always be about finding part-time jobs, internships, scholarships, relationships, fake friendships and ugh, no more ships please. (The pun CANNOT be avoided). When I get a say in my social lifestyle, she often just brings out her own in comparison. But this time she surprised me by showing her unhidden disapproval of my open-mindedness. And everytime I try to rebut saying this was how I brought myself up (& that mother has given up on me a long time ago), she tells me that if I want to work in a professional field, I must watch my reputation and keep up a good lifestyle, that I must not be so unconventional, and open-minded. Otherwise, I'll scare all the (laugh) good guys away and end up in shambles.

Alright, what made her blow off? I told her that I wanted to start an open-relationship with a boy who's probably looking for the same sort of thing, since he's been asking from early 2007. Well, her tastes in men is completely different from mine...I don't care how much he earns, (as long as he earns something decent enough to support his own life), I don't want him to spend me, (I'm fine by myself, thank you), and I sure as hell don't give a damn about his social status. All I looked for if I were to settle down, is someone who can hold intellectually stimulating conversations at any time given. Bukan cakap kosongs 24/7. (Not that the above-mentioned boy could, but a play doesn't hurt, does it ;) )

Well, she gawked at the last sentence, and gave up (for the 1st time!) by just nodding her head to anything more I had to say. Now! The chance to defend myself! Different people, different lifestyle, different job field and personality. THAT'S ALL.

I was stopped by the mamak gesture of shooing us away by wiping tables beside us vigorously. Goodbye good riddance.

Looking back at 2007

Quite a year. Plenty of changes, I might add. Could be a whole book by itself. But it's a chapter I prefer to erase from my life...

Well, my Mandarin's improved by leaps and bounds ever since I hung out with my new Chinese ed classmates. God knows how I actually found anything in common with them, but it's been a year and I've lost count of the times we all went on makan sessions, clubbing, and holidaying. I surprise myself, because not long ago, I hated ALL the Chinese ed ppl. Could be because I'm jealous of their control over the language, or that mother compares me with my peer/cousin all the time. They're not bad actually, quite a fun lot.

Speaking of college friends, it seems to be to my mentor that I have turned shallow on him. I told him I had to dumb down for them. To fit in. Speaking of which again, it was my previous year's resolution to BE normal. And so it had been. How I hate it. I'm boring myself to death to fit in these bunch of ignoramuses who can't be bothered to think about anything else but the next meal, or shopping sprees, or charity work, student organizations. How terribly earthly, how mundane. Why me?

..Flings, in total 5..could be more. I'm not proud of the number, but I keep telling myself it's better than falling blindly into a relationship when I don't even understand the meaning of the L word. How do you feel it, when you don't even know how to 'it'? No going into relationships for the sake of it, I'm not saying that I plan to be a spinster for the rest of my life, or that I am an anti-social..It's just that I don't believe in instant love anymore. Tried and tested; what, don't tell me if he asks you to be his gf, the both of you will be in true love in a nano2nd? BOSH!

Oh, I made a personal vow to myself; no relationships for the year 07. Kept to my word, but is it just me, or are the pangs of loneliness from deep inside showing up? I'm a bit of a fool in this L. Too much reminiscences. I'm a sentimental fool. Tears spring up everytime I think of that one person who brought me close to the almighty emotional connection. I still L him, or I think I do. What's the fucking big deal with this L word? I don't think it even exists. A horrible single word made by man to brutally mash up all the wonderful feelings of companionship, intimacy, passion, compassion, fondness, comfort, contentment, confusion, dizziness, sickness, fury, jealousy, lust.

19, the last year of teenhood. I told everyone I'd end the year in style, but I've been drained out of creative juice ever since the fashion contest. EXCUSES, PAH! I'm still the same in places I don't want to keep. Laziness, procrastinator, and one with no sense of urgency. Forgive me, father time. I can't be bothered. BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER