SPM in less than a month? Humbug.

I really need to get in the mood for SPM.
It's uncanny not to feel nervous or excited for somthing so important in your secondary school life. Well, I don't really see what is soooo important about SPM because it won't necessarilly gurantee you a sucessful career anyway. (Define sucessful...hmm..another day) Well, it helps to get scholarships, but I guess that's about it.

Hold on a second, I'm doing it again!! THAT'S the attitude I need to get rid off. I have to fell urgent, panicky..whatever those newspaper articles say about feeling panicky about exams are so untrue (for me). I work best under pressure...like the incident early this year. English teacher admonished me for not doing holiday homework-Next day at school, finished 6 essays in a pop..with distinction! Still..I don't feel the urge to pick up a book.

Is there such a thing as half-a-banana?

Every time I hear people speak in Mandarin, I cringe in discomfort. It's not that I cannot speak my mother tongue, as a matter of fact, I can easily converse with my Chinese speaking classmates using basic Mandarin. Limited, yes...but better than nothing. In my class, 3 out 9 Chinese girls are ( half) illiterate in Chinese. One of them is me. The other two are; a nyonya's child from Melaka; & a Javanese girl. They got their excuses. Where's mine? The years of my life before I touched 10 were spent living in strictly Chinese households.

Language plays such an important role in the modern world. ( Arghh! I used another cliche)Which was why my mother drilled English in me even before I touched earth. I can still remember all the fairy tales and nursery rhymes she taught me so well. In the process, I guess I did learn smatterings of the Chinese language here and there from my grandparents but I suspect I lost most of my memory of it while I grew up. My grandmother hinted that I was once good at it. Now our relationship is limited to...how shall I say this...an adult talking to an illiterate toddler.

I was in love with the English language, the language the British brought to our land in the process of colonization. In school, no one bothered that I could not really speak in Mandarin. All the teachers praised my knowledge of English so much that I became conceited with myself. I prided myself, foolishly calling myself an " English girl". You cannot imagine how much I wish to strangle myself when some primary school teachers repeat that much hated phrase. Despite all that, I do not blame my mother for doing what she did. People tell me how much they admire my fluency in English. Teachers spend their time in-between-lessons reading my essays; dissecting and giving their personal opinions in the staff room as though they were book reviewers.

However happy I am with my current state, if I could live my live all over again, I'd choose to learn my mother tongue over English. For pride's sake, for pride's sake...

Dilemmas again? Sheeesh.

Not on the SPM examination..which in coming in 32 days by the way. I should be studying by now.


I had a little dilemma on whether to start the A-levels programme in January or March.
Why A-levels? Because I can't do anything else. SAM, Canadian and Monash are out of my league. ( In terms of cash)
Can't take the government's matriculation because I dropped Additional Mathematics. Can't apply for IPTA (Local Universities) because the only one that offers a course to my liking is the MARA college; that is only open for Bumiputeras..

Starting in January means less time to rest after SPM, no time to work at all. Though I can find a part-time job, well, to put it simply I'm desperate for money! Hell, blame the material girl in me. However, I'd like to start early, because I can finish earlier. Lol...I'm pretty excited about college life.

Starting in March would mean: More "Michelle" time. More money. And, I might get some scholarship offers from some college or something. But starting earlier will ensure that I will not get worried on what I get for SPM. The trials results were good enough to get me into any good college.

College life in fun...but do I have to end my childhood days so fast?

Ruminisions

The girls were overjoyed. But I was really happy that both managed to offer a wish of thanks to me. After all, they were only girls. I wouldn't mind if they lost themselves in their happiness and forget to say thank you. The toys were estimated at a value of >RM500. 15 years worth of toys, what's to expect.

The funniest thing happened the morning before I gave the toys away. My youngest brother caught sight of the humongous pile of toys ready to be given away. He tried to ask if he could have more. Well, he was getting greedy since I gave him bits of this and that while packing away the stuff in boxes. What did I give him, hmm...was a 'Baby-All-Gone' set, a Disney Cinderella castle, a fridge, a Power Ranger motorcycle..etc. Thank goodness he wasn't interested in the dolls and the itsy-bitsy pieces. He was more into house structures. ( proved by the dollhouse he received for his birthday)

I guess all this started since he spent most of his 7 years of life with my mother. My mom had more time to spare as she only did part-time teaching stints now. I grew up with kids my age & my grandparents. This was how Michelle came to be.

Goodbye for good?

This was harder than I thought.

I'm giving away a chunk of my childhood a girl I met across the street. Literally.

Well, she needs it more than I do. Her house was void of anything fun a child should have. Well, except books.

Toys played a huge role in my life. Dolls in paticular. I guess those were what kept the girlishness in me. I was still playing with them when most of my friends graduated to MTV and the world of music. Sadly, they were my only companions when I was feeling depressed in the past. I led a lonely and sad (privalaged) childhood. My parents were out at work most of the time. I couldn't confide in my brothers... It was a lil' awkward for me to do that..So what I did was play. And play. And play.

I loved my toys. I could just tell them everything, and they'll just 'listen', show me that permanant smile of theirs' and that's it. After all, isn't that what psycologists do? Listen, but don't offer any advise. Hah. But later, (Of course) I had to stop, I was halfway in the MTV world. What would my schoolmates say about me? "The girl who wouldn't grow up"

Suicidal notes

How I miss my childhood.
The carefree days. Everything was clean and fun.
Now, it all seems murky and all in a disarray.

I am in a dream. A dream that will end soon.
I am still living out my childhood.
To your eyes, I am a young woman.
In my heart, I am forever a child.
Oh, how I will miss the days without worries and thoughts.

I want to end my life before it is too late.
Stop my life at the age before becoming ...
To make my dream an everlasting one..
Will be pure bliss for me.

Alas, fear stopped me.
Curiousity told me to continue with my dreaded life.
"Wouldn't you love to know what's to become of you?"
What's to become of me?
Oh, what's to become of me?