w00t

I want to start a new blog!

Just in case you don't know yet, (hardy-har-har) my life isn't all about gloom & doom & locking myself up in my room just...thinking.
But to start posting photos of the delightful little things I stumble upon in my daily adventures in this blog? It doesn't feel right, it's all so gloomy and dark in here you just feel choked under all that black cloud, and suddenly some random photos of woohoos and wheeeeee~s pop out? Look at the post below, what the heck is something so bright and happy lala doing here? ARGH, my mind is telling me something here LOL LOL LOL


This blog used to be a great balance on life; in and out of my head. Now, it's all about my inner..thoughts. HAHA, and it's hard for me to switch the direction of where all this is going. Well, the bad part if I wanted to start a new blog is that I have to give up the painfully thought up URL...unless I delete the archives here...or maybe a new page? Hmm.

What to expect (if I don't procrastinate as I always do): The life of a girl who believes shopping is best done alone, travelling around cities, hopping off trains and buses, getting lifts from random...acquaintances :D, walking just to save some peanut money, snapping pics of modern indie art, collecting art, my obsession with miniatures and indie/brit bands, finding out places with the spiciest tomyam to top off the previously-spiciest (my tastebuds gets blah after awhile)...etc. Haha, I'm ranting and it feels good to be doing this again

The fatalist

My words rehearsed

Heck, even my thoughts are rehearsed

Since everything is planned out, can I know what's in store for me?

Errrrr.....

Farewell for now

Doolittle is now independent of Higgins

Redundant

Temporary contentment

Thursday, October 05, 2006 Suicidal notes

How I miss my childhood.
The carefree days.
Everything was clean and fun.
Now, it all seems murky and all in a disarray.

I am in a dream.
A dream that will end soon.
I am still living out my childhood.
To your eyes, I am a young woman.
In my heart, I am forever a child.

Oh, how I will miss the days without worries and thoughts.
I want to end my life before it is too late.
Stop my life at the age before becoming ...
To make my dream an everlasting one..
Will be pure bliss for me.

Alas, fear stopped me.
Curiosity told me to continue with my dreaded life
"Wouldn't you love to know what's to become of you?"
What's to become of me?
Oh, what's to become of me?


I went through my old posts and one caught my eye..
And to think I had written this 2 years ago...Let me explain the 2nd and 3rd verse.

I was afraid of 'growing up', or otherwise losing my sense of curiosity and independence of thought. Caught in the realm of 'becoming', I knew I was soon losing my sense of individuality, hence the desire to kill myself. Well, the dream ended not too long after I wrote that.

The mind grows in two ways. From the innocenct inquisitive mind of a child; into a conditioned adult mind, or one who questions forever. I was in between, the frustration...but now it doesn't matter. My mind is now lost in the realm of me. I don't have to worry about adaptation or fitting in for now. So as long I have my mask in handy :)

Nude remix

This is amazing, check it out. A few weeks back, Radiohead organized a an online competition to remix 'Nude', a song of their pay-what-you-want album, In Rainbows. So you just have to download parts of the songs (which you have to pay for...haha) and do what you want. This guy missed the deadline, but he posted it up anyway.

Well, you can guess I'm a major fan(atic) of Radiohead

Uncertainty is exciting

Me: It defeats the purpose of confession all together doesn't it?

Michael: What?

Me: "I am not worthy to receive you, but I only say the word and I shall be healed.."

-Long Pause-

Me: What is the word anyway? The Gospel, the readings? The Psalm? 'The word'

Michael: : "I am a figment of your imagination! You did not know! How could I??"

Me: Oh stop quoting Gusteau. I guess it shall remain unknown for now. Uncertainty is sort of exciting.

(Effects of thinking too much)

I'm starting to feel that being different is a waste of time. I keep putting myself in a 3rd-person-view and realising how silly my behaviour is; running around like a nutcase, pacing-never-walking, walking with a limp (when the hip bone dislocation has healed a long time ago, even though the sinseh said I'll be crippled in old age..), constantly thinking people are watching me, or trying to grab people's attention for some weird reason I don't exactly know what. Haha.

But then again, being different was and has always been a permanent objective since 2 years old. Yes I remember. Changing my course would be changing my personality all together, the horrors!

Hah! Irrational beliefs...I mean, cognitive distortions. LOL, Psych's caught up to me. (Oh yes, I'm an undergraduate now) If I keep analyzing my thoughts, it seems that I don't want to stop being different, it's an endearment to me; instead, I don't like that much attention focused on me anymore. And this was the first reason why I wanted to be different.

Seems that the instrument has become a goal by itself.

Or this could be all a fluke and another bout of intern's disease by little paranoid me.

*I'm curious to learn how the professionals would interpret me. I always thought of myself as an interesting specimen to prod. Will be seeing one soon on my free time. Results will be posted up, I've got nothing to hide anymore. You've been exposed to my blahs and whether you understand it or not doesn't matter. I blog to reaffirm my ambiguous thought :P