New Year Resolutions again?

Not that I follow them anyway, haha.I've got to do the countdown in a few minutes. So this'll be short. (thank goodness)

1.
2...

Damn it! I can't think of anything!! Ah, well...2007 will be a year of surprises, fun and trials for me. I'll decide everything when it comes...sheesh.
Well, a happy new year to fellow bloggers and passer-bys.

Of highways and buses

I think I'm going crazy learning all the weird roads and routes in Petaling Jaya. SS21 in Damansara? I thought there's another SS21 in Subang Jaya? What's with the LDP? Where's the way to escape the crazy toll rates that Mr.Samy never seems to get tired of raising? What! Did I take the wrong way? ARGHHHHH! NO! I don't feel like taking a driving license in this crazy city.

So I'll take the public transport like what Mr.Samy himself advised to the public. This one at least was a bit less confusing. What's the difference between bus 636 and 634?Why are the bus rates so high?? In the end, I found the bus I'll probably be taking for the next 5 years on. T82. Huh. This was even worse that Chemistry. Which I'm not taking in A-level, thank goodness. Oh yeah, I've just registered at HELP and found out there's a 3 day orientation, and that there are other Kajang people who just signed in as well. I'm supposed to find that comforting right,exactly the opposite. My mom said I'm crazy and should've joined KDU if I didn't wnat to meet anyone I knew from back home. Sigh...

The process of adaption.

Well, everything's going fine now...I can finally connect online now that the TM net ppl fixed a line in my new house at DU. So, since I can't make friends that easily now since my secondary school life is over, I had to do a couple of things like:

1. Joined the IACT media workshop to meet other people who were forced like me to make insta-friends. I hate the process, I'd rather build relationships on a long-term process, not forced or under pressure like the above mentioned, in order to prevent yourself from feeling awkward.

2. Explored Damansara Uptown, found a Watson's & Guardian shop there! (Yay!, no need to go to OU for shopping)...but only one cybercafe? Sheesh..

3. Went for the Saint Ignatius Church (SIC) youth Christmas party. Again, networking. But at least this one is a bit less stressful because I'll be seeing them for the next few years. Got to know the big people in church, registered myself for the readers audition...and learned from the big guy himself (Mr.Rich, the 50-something youth leader) that the church will be selecting some active youths to participate in a choir that will perform in (GOSH) Sydney, Brisbane..all expense paid by SIC in July 2008. Well, here's a new goal in my life, gotta be an active youth, lol. Hmmm, the youth here highly contrast to the ones back in Holy Family Church Kajang. Just the opposite, they were...inactive. (Haha, sorry HFC members, but PJ youths are known to be very active.)


Well, to summarise..folks here are way different from those in Kajang. Kajang people were laid back, relaxed, and have a devil-may-care attitude. Here, I got a culture shock! They were more perky (I hate this kind of people, sorry) girls and metro boys (this one I don't mind, heehee). Everyone's just so boisterous, gregarious...huh, I miss the days back in school where we could just lie on the high jump mattress in our class, under the cooling wind blown from the floor fan someone brought from home, listening to the radio loaned from the school office.....Sigh, all my dreams lately have been taking place in my hometown. Homesickness? More like adapting. Which might take a very, very looooong time. Oh yeah, I'm going to HELP to study A-levels...my parents don't really care much of scholarships anymore..Haha.

Michelle the shrink?

Yeah, you heard that right. Looks like whatever I'm doing now is channeling me into becoming a psychologist. I didn't want to at first, just like I didn't want to do A-levels before, but my parents constant nagging worked to their favour after all.

One last bit of glory: A-levels is not the fastest and cheapest way to get a degree in P. I'm doing it because (they don't want me to do it) I want to study literature for a long as can before I go into building my career. YES. That's the main reason why. The other one is because I want to extend my education process. Getting a foundation is a no-no for me; it's not education! That's building your career!!

What will my first research project be about? ME!
I'm so confusing myself, I want to learn about me.. Lol..

Speaking of literature: Here's a dedicated part to my SPM exam. I need to get an 1A for it. No exception. Getting straight As is not as important as this! Mainly because my mother got an A for it; she was the only one who did in her year. If I do anything below that grade, she'll have the power to use it against me in our arguments! I don't want that. Please, oh please, I beg the examinars to give-me-an-A1.(If they dropped by, haha. what are the possibilities of that?Well, I'm taking every chance that I got)

Nostalgia

Hell yeah, I have always been over emotional and sentimental about things. I'm moving on the 10th Dec, so I had to start packing my stuff already. My mom doesn't want me to bring any junk to the new house. And I'm one of those people who collects and keeps stuff I don't even need. It's hard to let go. All my 17 years were spent in Kajang. I thought it was fun at first to move , like an adventure after SPM...but I just couldn't stop crying. HECK, I cry about EVERYTHING. During interviews, PMS, in a rage (and I rarely get angry, when I do it's like krakotoa) and arguments. So blame my fragile mind, I'm just a sensitive little girl in the inside.

After I move, I wanted to find a part-time-job to earn money (for vanity reasons) But which place would take me in for >20days? I'm starting college in January (A levels, don't know where yet) so I want to make the whole of my holiday. It just so happens that I found an ad in the papers today about a workshop on journalism, broadcasting and media. Great! Something to help me in the future. (14th and 15th December at DU) And I've been planning to go for all the colleges' open days to determine what I really want in my future. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to be a speech therapist but it seems pretty dull to me now. I'm open to anything...sheesh

Death Pt.1

The state of being dead.

When the soul leaves the body. A note on that, a physicist conducted an experiment by placing a man on his deathbed (literally) on a scale. As he breathed his last, an unexplainable 0.020kg was deducted from the original weight minus the bed. Souls have weight? Oh well...

Am I frightened by death? Not really. It's the transition process I'm worried about because no one has talked about it before. Maybe I'm afraid of what's after death too due to influence from my religion. The maker or the baker. Anyway, you don't go to heaven straightaway unless you martyred. The place is called purgatory, where you do your atonement...its white fires are said to be more painful than the ones below...

I have been experiencing death of close ones around me since young, be it a puppy or a great grandma or grandad. I remember playing with the paper effigies for my favorite great-grandma's funeral.
I did not grieve when my grandfather was on his deathbed, I remember drawing the funeral scene on the magnetic board only to receive a smack from my mom. Only at the funeral, my mom told me that I wouldn't see him anymore. That induced me to tears ( although I think it was more of the fact that there will be no more daily RM0.20 ketupats and rides from the school).

I thought I handled death pretty well for a young girl. Must be those science articles on death. Or reading obituaries with a passion. Once you're dead, you're gone. No emotions involved. They die because their body failed to function or accident happens.

Later years, death held a more significant meaning in my life. Friends say I've lost 2 out of 9 lives. Close one. Another incident really shook me up; death of a close friend's sister. Worse, she was talking to me the day before. Even worse, I became hysterical and depressed.I did loads of crazy things that I regret now. Now, my grandmother has a confirmed visit from death somewhere in the near future. She has cancer, like her deceased husband, just that she doesn't want to go for the treatment. (more painful she says).

I'm not saddened by that. But I don't think I would be able to take it anymore if anyone else around me died. Worse if I could have prevented it. Life is not as meaningful as it used to be anymore.

SPaMmed

Bahasa Melayu: screwed the lit. part. Everything came out as unexpected.

English: Screwed the conclusion to my essay. Format all wrong for informal letter. ( hopefully, they won't deduct marks for format in directed writing) Wrongly gave the meaning of the metaphor 'ages' in Frost's poem. It meant 'years', not a long time ago, you doofus Michelle. He was talking about his future!

History: Predicted everything that came out (Not that I really studied those) except the question on K-ekonomi. What was that? I didn't even know it existed. (Later, I found out painfully that it stands for Knowledge-economy in Chapter 9) Made up my own history of Malaysia. History was never my forte anyway.

Mathematics: Screwed up the objective part. 50% guessing work. And this is coming from a girl who scored the highest in the class twice! (100% & 97%) Subjective was not so bad, but I did a mistake in making a converse of a statement (akas? what the hell was that? Maths is supposed to be working on numbers, not on our vocabulary skills, damn it!) and drawing a graph polygon..

English for Science and Technology: Guaranteed 1A. I'm sure. Funny paper, they asked us about cats..

Literature in English: Arghh!!! (need I say more? Yeah, I wish I didn't skip class so much, thank you teacher for reminding me unintentionally)

Physics: Ooh, I love you more as each day passes. Though I screwed up my essays, I'm sorry that I neglected you after trials...

Chemistry: Wellll~ I did tell my parents I was aiming for a B. So a B I will get. (It was hard!)

Moral: Oh dear, this is the best paper ever! Ha ha, only one question came out on definisi!! So I only lost 2 marks out of 100. In your face ( to those who mindlessly memorize all the moral values' definitions)

Biology: another one worthy of an ARGHHHHHH~ What went wrong? I don't know. What I know is that it was freaking hard. Just praying that the graph will be VERY, VERY LOW. Then maybe I'll touch an A...Ha-ha-ha..

Bible Knowledge: Wait for it

*Updates coming soon*

Heartbroken

Looking through the papers this morning, I spotted my friend's face among those who have received the SASA scholarship award from HELP. Hell, I didn't even know there was a scholarship offered for outstanding students. I went to the website out of curiosity (and jealousy) & found out that only schools which were selected by HELP are eligible to send their students to apply for the SASA. Which means that my school was left out by them. How sad...

Not giving up hope, I went through the page on 'qualifications' to apply for a full/partial scholarship. Well, there's no way on earth I can qualify for a full' but the minimum As (1As, mind you) to get RM 8000 was 8. Loans were offered, but that's not what I was looking for. Then there was this scholarship offered based on your trials results which required (my heart skipped a beat) 9 1As. Damn it, I only got 6 1As and 2 2As for my trials. I really want to get a scholarship from HELP, yes maybe others need it more than I do. Financial issues do not pose a problem for me, I see the scholarship as a sort of trophy for all the shit years you put up in school. But then again, who am I kidding?

I am definitely, by no means an OUTSTANDING student. Nor am I someone with exemplary leadership qualities; instead I can be a good team player, or work well as a loner. I am good in my own way, lazy, but once pressured I will promise excellent results. Maybe I should try another place like INTI (they have a scholarship which I am eligible for) but I really want to go into HELP because of factors like its nearby distance to my new house, its conducive environment & its helpful lecturers. So please don't label me as a fussy or a selfish, ungrateful girl...I just can't help it.

Something tells me that I should try something out of the mainly academic genre.( which I... & my parents are so obsessed of currently) Come to think of it, I still don't know what to do after SPM. Well, my current plan is to study A-level, but what's next? Do I pursue my dreams, needs, hobbies or what I'm good at? Sigh, something tells me that I should just stop blogging and get back to studying, which I hardly do.

Wrong way in the brain

Remember when I said I needed a sense of urgency to get started on SPM? I'm starting to feel it. What I'm afraid of is that it is just at the brink of turning into panic. No. That's something I wouldn't want, not especially now!

Well, the only good thing I've done that I can brag about is that I have analyzed and come up with a compilation of what will come up for SPM. That's to be used in an open-discussion/ meeting tomorrow with some close friends. They got their own sources too..hee hee, top secret...it's fun doing this, it's like being in a top mafia gang or something.

At the same time, my mind keeps finding things for me to do to keep my mind off my impending doom. ( euphemism for 'having an excuse') I've been reading plenty of books lately; just finished Great Expectations by Charles Dickens yesterday & an obscure one by Sidney Sheldon last week. And of all times, my mind has to bring back thoughts of the ex...BANISH THEM, DAMN THEM ALL!!! ARGHHH...SPM stress? nooooo~

"If only language didn't exist, then my mind wouldn't be enshrouded in
thoughts all the time..."

KL the city of hell

The big city.

How terrifying.

I've been there a couple of times this year and I didn't like it at all.

Cramped. Humongous. Tall. Monotonous. Loud. Busy.

So different from the demure Kajang town. Everything is relaxed here. (and there's lots of space to move around) Whenever I think of that place, my heart skips a beat. Like fish out of water...Somehow the steely exterior makes me feel inferior to everyone else living there, especially near Istana Budaya...I hated that place.

I'm moving there.

Well, nearby. There's the consolation for me.

SPM in less than a month? Humbug.

I really need to get in the mood for SPM.
It's uncanny not to feel nervous or excited for somthing so important in your secondary school life. Well, I don't really see what is soooo important about SPM because it won't necessarilly gurantee you a sucessful career anyway. (Define sucessful...hmm..another day) Well, it helps to get scholarships, but I guess that's about it.

Hold on a second, I'm doing it again!! THAT'S the attitude I need to get rid off. I have to fell urgent, panicky..whatever those newspaper articles say about feeling panicky about exams are so untrue (for me). I work best under pressure...like the incident early this year. English teacher admonished me for not doing holiday homework-Next day at school, finished 6 essays in a pop..with distinction! Still..I don't feel the urge to pick up a book.

Is there such a thing as half-a-banana?

Every time I hear people speak in Mandarin, I cringe in discomfort. It's not that I cannot speak my mother tongue, as a matter of fact, I can easily converse with my Chinese speaking classmates using basic Mandarin. Limited, yes...but better than nothing. In my class, 3 out 9 Chinese girls are ( half) illiterate in Chinese. One of them is me. The other two are; a nyonya's child from Melaka; & a Javanese girl. They got their excuses. Where's mine? The years of my life before I touched 10 were spent living in strictly Chinese households.

Language plays such an important role in the modern world. ( Arghh! I used another cliche)Which was why my mother drilled English in me even before I touched earth. I can still remember all the fairy tales and nursery rhymes she taught me so well. In the process, I guess I did learn smatterings of the Chinese language here and there from my grandparents but I suspect I lost most of my memory of it while I grew up. My grandmother hinted that I was once good at it. Now our relationship is limited to...how shall I say this...an adult talking to an illiterate toddler.

I was in love with the English language, the language the British brought to our land in the process of colonization. In school, no one bothered that I could not really speak in Mandarin. All the teachers praised my knowledge of English so much that I became conceited with myself. I prided myself, foolishly calling myself an " English girl". You cannot imagine how much I wish to strangle myself when some primary school teachers repeat that much hated phrase. Despite all that, I do not blame my mother for doing what she did. People tell me how much they admire my fluency in English. Teachers spend their time in-between-lessons reading my essays; dissecting and giving their personal opinions in the staff room as though they were book reviewers.

However happy I am with my current state, if I could live my live all over again, I'd choose to learn my mother tongue over English. For pride's sake, for pride's sake...

Dilemmas again? Sheeesh.

Not on the SPM examination..which in coming in 32 days by the way. I should be studying by now.


I had a little dilemma on whether to start the A-levels programme in January or March.
Why A-levels? Because I can't do anything else. SAM, Canadian and Monash are out of my league. ( In terms of cash)
Can't take the government's matriculation because I dropped Additional Mathematics. Can't apply for IPTA (Local Universities) because the only one that offers a course to my liking is the MARA college; that is only open for Bumiputeras..

Starting in January means less time to rest after SPM, no time to work at all. Though I can find a part-time job, well, to put it simply I'm desperate for money! Hell, blame the material girl in me. However, I'd like to start early, because I can finish earlier. Lol...I'm pretty excited about college life.

Starting in March would mean: More "Michelle" time. More money. And, I might get some scholarship offers from some college or something. But starting earlier will ensure that I will not get worried on what I get for SPM. The trials results were good enough to get me into any good college.

College life in fun...but do I have to end my childhood days so fast?

Ruminisions

The girls were overjoyed. But I was really happy that both managed to offer a wish of thanks to me. After all, they were only girls. I wouldn't mind if they lost themselves in their happiness and forget to say thank you. The toys were estimated at a value of >RM500. 15 years worth of toys, what's to expect.

The funniest thing happened the morning before I gave the toys away. My youngest brother caught sight of the humongous pile of toys ready to be given away. He tried to ask if he could have more. Well, he was getting greedy since I gave him bits of this and that while packing away the stuff in boxes. What did I give him, hmm...was a 'Baby-All-Gone' set, a Disney Cinderella castle, a fridge, a Power Ranger motorcycle..etc. Thank goodness he wasn't interested in the dolls and the itsy-bitsy pieces. He was more into house structures. ( proved by the dollhouse he received for his birthday)

I guess all this started since he spent most of his 7 years of life with my mother. My mom had more time to spare as she only did part-time teaching stints now. I grew up with kids my age & my grandparents. This was how Michelle came to be.

Goodbye for good?

This was harder than I thought.

I'm giving away a chunk of my childhood a girl I met across the street. Literally.

Well, she needs it more than I do. Her house was void of anything fun a child should have. Well, except books.

Toys played a huge role in my life. Dolls in paticular. I guess those were what kept the girlishness in me. I was still playing with them when most of my friends graduated to MTV and the world of music. Sadly, they were my only companions when I was feeling depressed in the past. I led a lonely and sad (privalaged) childhood. My parents were out at work most of the time. I couldn't confide in my brothers... It was a lil' awkward for me to do that..So what I did was play. And play. And play.

I loved my toys. I could just tell them everything, and they'll just 'listen', show me that permanant smile of theirs' and that's it. After all, isn't that what psycologists do? Listen, but don't offer any advise. Hah. But later, (Of course) I had to stop, I was halfway in the MTV world. What would my schoolmates say about me? "The girl who wouldn't grow up"

Suicidal notes

How I miss my childhood.
The carefree days. Everything was clean and fun.
Now, it all seems murky and all in a disarray.

I am in a dream. A dream that will end soon.
I am still living out my childhood.
To your eyes, I am a young woman.
In my heart, I am forever a child.
Oh, how I will miss the days without worries and thoughts.

I want to end my life before it is too late.
Stop my life at the age before becoming ...
To make my dream an everlasting one..
Will be pure bliss for me.

Alas, fear stopped me.
Curiousity told me to continue with my dreaded life.
"Wouldn't you love to know what's to become of you?"
What's to become of me?
Oh, what's to become of me?

Forecast results!

Wahay! Not bad for a slacker.

It's not that good. But it's good enough for me.

8As 2Bs. The Bs are for History and Chemistry. I know I've got an A for Physics, but whether it's an 1A or a 2A, I will find out tommorow.

But who cares? I've had a deal with my parents. RM10 for each A. What more, my tuition teacher gave me RM 20 for each A I get. Oh yeah, 'studying' is rewarding indeed.

I take 11 subjects. That leaves Bible Knowledge. Oh well, I'm not really expecting an A (or a pass) for that. I regret taking that subject. It's going to tarnish my pretty report card. :P

What's gotten into me?

Recently,

-I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to do like go for tuition

-I might enquire the use of hearing aids soon

-My friends are pulling out white hair of my head on a more frequent basis

-I'm disapproving Hitz.fm

-Instead I'm listening to Light&Easy Moonlight Mood. Gee, I never thought Frank Sinatra could sound so wonderful.

-Instead of going down with a fight, I'd rather surrender and give in to my parents' demands

-I'm becoming more lethargic each day. Hyperactive girl is becoming active-girl.

-Crankier and very disapproving of unnecessary shrieks and loud talking in my class.


Good Lord...I think I'm suffering from premature ageing.

The Queen Dethroned

Greetings readers. Let me introduce myself as depression. You can call me Mr. Dee.

Our little friend here has made the biggest screw up of her life. By being overconfident, too proud of herself. And what exactly did she do? She decided to take the risk in her TRIALS English Literature exam by answering a question on something she hasn't read in ages.

Why, you ask me? Simple. Being that cocky little chit she was, she thought she could still score not having a single idea about the TRUE meaning of the literary work she was working on. She actually believed that she could still maintain her perfect record of getting the highest marks in her class by playing around in her exam.

Just as I expected, she fared badly in the test to the point that her teacher said she was disappointed in her. Of course she would feel that! That minx was the cream of the crop. The teacher wanted it to stay that way, in fact she was happy for her top student. But, no....the little brat decided to take things in her own hands and now... she's in second spot! For the first time this year, hah! She lost out to the underdog (literally). HAHAHA.

I quote the teacher on this.." Serves you right. Who asked you to start crapping on something you don't even know about?" Hahaa~Second place. Who knows? They might not even require her presence on the academic awards achievements day. Loser. Go on, cry like a baby, CRY!

"Boo HOo Hooooooooo...WaaAAaaaah~~~"

I'm ready, depression.

"Hello...it's been a while hasn't it?

I guess so.

"What kept you so long?"

False happiness

"Ah...that one...a dear friend of mine. But let's make up for lost time, shall we?

Yes, we shall.

I need all the (extra) help I can get

It's ironic how the teachers at my school try hard to keep the questions for the trials from leaking out to the students.

All we have to do is to make a few calls here and there to students from other school/states/tuition centres and BINGO! We've got a whole list of stuff that might be coming out for the test. To be even more sure, get more info from different sources and see which topics coincide. I just did that for my Physics paper 3. Three different sources; Ampang, Cheras and some tuition. And boy, everything I marked came out!

Well, I guess this isn't a very good thing to do...it might cause us to be more dependent on these 'tips'. It's all a question on morality I guess. But look, I'm still living in the era of Examination-Oriented schools. All the teachers emphasize on getting As, and what choice am I left with but to get 'extra help' if they don't want to help in the first place? Geez, I can't wait to get started on A-levels. It's gotta be more fun, it's gotta be. I heard the lecturers are more professional in teaching and interacting with the students at HELP. Gotta get HELP...(Hint-hint!)

Speaking of teachers who are not very helpful, listen to this. My friend from a Chinese school got informed by his teacher to go for an interview for a HELP scholarship. Apparently, the teacher submitted his exam marks to the university and he got the offer; just like that! And he didn't even want it!!!He's even thinking of declining the offer ( Please don't if you're reading this Mr.D)
Sheeesh~What I'll do for more helpful teachers.

(Oh well, look at the good side. At least I know I won't be alone in PJ next year at college)

Common knowledge? I didn't know that..( Rantings)

All this while I've been constantly ranting about nothing but school life & post-school life. What's there for a girl who can't go anywhere outside the boundaries of Kajang town to write about? Everything that goes on in her head I guess. Like me and my mom discussing on where I'm supposed to go after SPM; Form 6/ A levels. In the end, I gave up and followed what she said; A levels. ( I need some HELP) She said that even with good results for STPM, there is no guaranteed place in local-Universities for a Chinese girl like me. Unless you're doing social science. "Isn't that what I'm doing?" I know, I know...I should be paying more attention to my SPM now because it's what that determines your future..blablabla..

Well, I did go somewhere out of Kajang. The Archdiocese Pastoral Centre in KL last week. To attend the 1st Bible Knowledge SPM seminar ever held in Malaysia. Students and teachers attended this event. Did I gain anything? Not really, I gained something that hasn't got anything to do with Bible Knowledge.

Here's a full account of what happened.

There was this middle aged grumpy and very inquisitive lady. Let's call her the Green lady.
She was sitting at the back with two of my friends ( alex & John) with another girl ( we'll call her orange girl; she was wearing a very nice looking orange tank top.."I forgot to ask her where she got that" Green lady kept asking her questions on who her parents are, where does she go to school and lots of things even your friends won't ask. Orange girl lost her temper and went infront to sit with her friends. Then, green lady began a conversation with my friends.

GL: Are you an alter boy?
A: Er, no?
J: Yeah.
GL: OH! God will bless you more, Jonathan...(pauses) I know your parents.

Later, she got a phone call from someone who hanged up on her ( I can understand why) and asked Alex who called her (-.-") and told them that if you take BK, you will get all 101As, no worries! ...After lunch, I wanted to experience the Green factor, so I went to the back to join Alex and John. Green Lady didn't come back; maybe she sensed that someone more irritating than her is about to come along. Orange girl passed a puzzle to the boys. I solved it for them. In return, she gave Alex her email address and number.


I asked them, isn't it weird for a girl to make the first move? They berated me and said it was a turn on for the guys if the girls do it first. It gives them the idea that "I'm hot enough for the girl to come over first and ask for my number". If the guy does it first, it shows him off as a desperate loser.

Right. I've got to take note of that.

Trials are here!

I've been banned from using the internet for the whole month of exams.

Big deal. It's not like I'm going to use the time to study anyway. I can still go to the internet cafes; which is exactly what I'm doing right now. I hate studying. I can't see any point in it doing it myself. I open the book, and about 1 minute later, I'm either doodling or reading some novels. Or sleeping. Or catnapping.

The only place I can study is at tuition. And there's no way I can study at school. The teachers don't teach anymore as they are done with the syllables. So all we do is laze and fool around. Oh yeah, we had a party for our teacher today. Lovely. I keep begging my mom to let me skip school since everyone else is doing it. ( Including the girl my mom keeps comparing me to. " Why can't you be more like her? Blablabla.." Can you imagine? Someone still using that method in the 21st century! Sheesh~) Of course she said no. Reason? She's afraid that the school will call her up to ask her on my whereabouts. C'mon lah, as if the school got nothing else better to do. Well, i guess that's a reasonable excuse since I have a black mark on me after being caught skipping school...

My mind's just drifts off some other place after for awhile. I can't help it. ADD? Traits of it; maybe...

The teacher had asked me to stay back after literature class.
I wondered " What could I have possibly done to have incured the wrath of the dicipline teacher this time?"

"Sit down, Michelle, this wouldn't take a minute..nothing big."
A small feeling of relieve in my head
" I just want to know, what are you planning to do in the future.
Visit the library more often, get bangs, start dressing less like a 30-year-old woman...
'Well, after sitting for my STPM, I'll be doing either a degree in Linguistics, TESL or Psychology.Then, I'll move on to doing a Masters in Speech Therapy..'
"Promise me this, that whatever you do, make sure it involves children. You have a special gift with children...even Puan. S noticed this in you.
' Huh? Oh...you saw me playing with the kids at Taekwondo class last Saturday..'
"No, it's not that Michelle. You do have a knack with kids. It's not something everyone has."
'Yeah, childishness"
" You are saying that as though it were a bad thing"
'No! It's not that. I find that I have to mix with children because there is no one in Form 5 I can relate to...about..well, having raw fun.
"That's true. I agree with you. But it's a good thing because unlike other people, you are able to get response from these children. When you are with them, I notice that you are so happy, you could just see it's pure hapiness...Just promise me this, Okay?
'Yes, teacher.

National Service bummer

I checked at the website.
http://www.khidmatnegara.gov.my/interaktif.asp

"No. KP tidak dijumpai"

I didn't get it! Oh, joy-Oh, sorrow...

Joy because I'll get a few months of holiday before starting on my Pre-U. I'll be able to have a job and earn extra bucks during the holiday too. And I get to have extended time for the "after-SPM-party"..HOoRay!!

Sorrow because I would miss out all the fun on mixing with so many new people. Because I'll miss out the gun training session. Worst of all, I won't be going on a 3-month long holiday sponsered by the government using the money our parents paid them.

It's a mixed feeling. Oh well, you gain some, you lose some.

Shh..don't tell anyone but everyone :P

Something wonderful just happened.

The school counselor informed us that matriculation forms are up for sale.

The only condition is that you have to be taking Add Maths.

Yeah, in front of everyone including my mother ( she insisted persistently that I MUST apply for it) I sulked and whined about my bad luck ( Cause I dropped Add Maths at the start of this year) to anyone who would listen. My mother couldn't believe it & my friends were probably gloating to themselves on how lucky they are since they are still taking Add Maths.

Frankly, I couldn't give a damn. I don't want apply for matrics. It lacks the challenge, and what about the majority Malay students? I don't mind being friends with them. It's fun talking in bahasa baku with my Malay friends. But for a year? With so little people I can identify with? No thanks. I'd rather go for Form 6 or A-levels.. More variety of people to choose from.

Pardon my selfishness. It must be that gene in me.

In my mind...

True happiness
Something I wish I could experience
before my last breath

What could worldly possessions bring;
But shortlived happiness
which is soon replaced by the want to have more
and more and more
Till it all poisons you in the end

What could love bring;
pure bliss and protection
which is soon replaced by feelings of jealousy,
insecurity, obsession, lies
and Pain in the end
you try to hide it all,
locking everything in your shattered heart,
with a smile.

What could friends bring;
laughter and joy together
Jokes which only brings you smiles for a second or so
it all seems to be an illusion in times of trouble
True friends may stay,
but how long?
Betrayal, backstabbing and no trust....

What could death bring;
uncertainties of where you might end up
A void area, dark and cold
A soul trying to find the true meaning of life
Or heaven?
Where eternal happiness is promised
But how do you feel eternal happiness,
when you don't even know how it feels to be truly happy?

Yes sir, my name is Michelle Eliza.

Find Michelle Eliza! :)

We just had our confirmation today. It's a ceremony in church which is to complete the initiation rites which are ; baptism, holy communion and finally; confirmation. Which, well, sort of means to be initiated into adulthood, where we can finally defend our faith, and so forth. It's kinda hard to describe it here, you have to see it yourself to understand the beautiful thing about this.

Dearest literature

Yippee! I'm got really happy today, despite the fact that a class science trip was canceled at the last minute. The library teacher wanted to sell off the old books that were in the library since the 1960s. Worse, she even predicted that no one would want those books! And that only I would read them. She even mentioned something about recycling those wonderful books. OUCH

So I 'volunteered' (more like beg) to take some of the books back with me. There were so many to choose from; Spyri, Dickens,R.L. Stevenson, Verne, Poe...but no sight of Twain. Oh well, I grabbed 13 books including some plays by Shakespeare and some religious children books. I even got my classmate to take 5 books back.

How could you just discard those masterpieces like that? Now the books are safe with me. I even told the teacher that if no one bought the books, let me have them all! I'll return her a favour by beating the record of the number of books read in the state which is 75. Sounds too easy..

STPM, here I come!!

Just a few days back, I had a shouting match with my mom on what I'm going to do after SPM. (refer to blog post before this)

The next day, I went to school and talked to friends about it because if I want to make a decision, I need to talk to someone and they just have to put up with it without answering back. That way, I can get my own answer. It just comes out like that!

Here's the conversation that went on at school yesterday.

Michelle: Hey Tilly, I don't really know what to do after SPM.
Tilly: I thought you wanted to be a speech therapist.
Michelle: Lack of funds, remember? The only way I can do it is to take on matriculation or
STPM.
Tilly: I'm trying out for matrics' too. My cousin said STPM is way too hard.
Michelle: Yeah, I know. But to think of it logically for my case, I'm moving to somewhere new, no
friends there. I have to start afresh. It may seem sensible to start out at Form 6.
Tilly: Ya-loh.
Michelle: Hey, I just remembered! Aren't the science subjects taught in English?
Tilly: Now only you know ah?
Michelle: HAHAHA! Now I have no more doubts any more! I'm going to sit for STPM and enjoy
my 2 years of extended schooling in PJ...which..also means..two more years of
ironing..school uniforms..
Tilly: Congratulations.

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

My mind just went haywire as I counted the months left to the last day of school. What am I really going to do after SPM? A-levels? STPM? The impossible government Matriculation? Foundation in teaching?? I just don't know. Well, I had a clear mind on what I was going to do after SPM (speech therapy) until my mother revealed to me that there are insufficient funds to pay for the RM200,000 fees to take a degree course in Australia for 4 years. Well, I could do it if I got PSD (HAHAHA..Yeah right), or if I manage to get into matriculation to further my studies at the only university (UKM) in Malaysia that offers that degree. I don't want to do STPM. I wouldn't be able to cope with something bigger than SPM..
So I re-evaluated what I really want to do in my life. The jobs are in no particular order:

1. Speech Therapist

What's with this job? It's something that combines science and language together. No Maths. That's what I like about it. You treat patients as well as teach and guide them. Bingo! Another plus point; teaching. But, I'm having doubts whether I would really get job satisfaction from this.

2. Psychologist

Don't get me wrong. This is what my mother suggested for me to do. Apparently, there's a high demand for this job; and it's very high-paying. But I'm not really keen in doing this. Yeah, I know there're lots of divisions for this psychology, if I had to do it, I would TEACH psychology. Especially in the neuro.;clinical; educational , occupational therapist divisions. I wouldn't want to practice it...

3. Teacher

Not just any teacher. I want to teach at what I'm good at. English Literature. That is something I would really enjoy. You get to guide others on what you love and read; lots because that's what your job requires you to do. Unfortunately, my mother dampened my hopes when she said that you do not have a choice over what you want to teach. They'll choose it for you.

4. Fashion coordinator...Or anything to do with arts

I still have that part in me that loves art and designs. The former requires you to be able to predict what's the IN thing in the next season, and to be able to give fashion advice. Something I like doing. And what about arts? I love designing and drawing. Toying with graphic arts. But what's the possibility of getting employed? :(

5.Journalist/ freelance writer

I still love to write. But maybe this will go into the 'part-time jobs' list.

I'm still money-minded. But still, job satisfaction is very important to me. How would I be able to live with myself if I made a choice of something I would regret for the rest of my life?

Decisions, decisions, decisions....

Another tear shed

I just went to check on the house I'm going to move to in PJ this December,
to see if there was anything needed to be fixed or added.
'Something smells,' I thought to myself, as I opened the gate to the house.
And, lo behold, indeed I was right.
I found a dead cat in the house.
“What a nice present the previous owner gave us,"
Then I thought it over, that he might have wanted a nice place to die.
(The cat gave us a nice present too; a whole colony of flies.)
I looked again, something was not right.
Of course, of course…the sliding door was there alright;
only the glass, where are the panes?
Then I scampered to my room upstairs, oh what horrors could be there?
Nothing much but an old dressing table left behind,
smelling of something I couldn’t bring to mind…
And the colour!
What an eyesore!
A coating of garish blue on the wall
paired with the even more sickening orange tiles on the floor.
The windows are broken. That can be fixed.
The lightings are all missing. That can be replaced.
My hopes of a having my dream room; All erased.
(But I guess I could replan…)

Reminiscing

I just came back from Bali. Well, there's really nothing much to see there. If there are any ancient sculpture anyway, it would probably remind me of Cambodia. Nothing beats Cambodia in terms of the historical buildings, by the way.

Only thing to enjoy is the shopping..and, oh! My first time 'spa session'. ("Hahaha" laughs the narcissistic side in me.) The beaches were nothing to shout about. Hard Rock hotel is overrated.
Thank goodness I didn't stay there. I shopped. A lot. Not enough. I left behind a skirt that was meant to be mine back there!!! It costs less than RM 20... Yeah, I'm putting up a big show over something I wanted but didn't get. But enough of Bali already.

Just recently I finished book by Amy Tan. Yeah, that great American author. In that autobiography/novel-like book, she claims not to play a part in changing the lives of her readers. It's all up to the reader. Well, reading the book has made me realize something. That all the dreams of making it big in the art ( music/ fashion designing) industry is all a big fluke. I'm not cut out to be that.

Oh where have you been all this while, my dearest language? I missed you so...You chucked me away along with writing..I'm so sorry, dear friend. I have been blinded by the false promises of the glamour jobs..I mean, you are glamorous as well..Cut the crap, and start improving your writing starting from now. You've abandoned us long enough to lose that creative flair in your vocabulary you used to have..I will, I will, dear old friend. Just let me grab a thesaurus and we'll get started...

Tre Magnifique!

It's over.

well, not exactly fully over.

I've finally finished my music theory exam...And it's not just a border-line passing score. It's a score just 3 more marks to the merit grade.
I've got a 77%...HAHAHAHA. In your face, ABRSM. In your face, my beloved music teacher.
I've passed, but NOoooOO~ You clearly showed you had no faith in me; the girl who believes in last-minute studying with the least effort put in as possible. Now look at me! Haha!

Frankly, I didn't really believe that I would get anything above 70. ( The passing mark is 66%, 80% is the merit and >90% is the distinction mark) After all, I already failed this Grade 8 test the last time..but come to think of it, why do we need to have a grading system for music? Okay, so it's more organized and civilised. Let's have an example of a scenario where I have two friends here named X & Y. X has a diploma in music. Y doesn't. Does that truly make X better than Y in music? Well, music had many divisions. I wish they teach vocals though. I'd ace it.hahaha...

Well, back to practising my piano. I've still got my Grade 7 practical music exam coming up soon...

Tuition VS Teachers Part 2

Just the other day, I complained to my mother about the crummy Physics 2 paper.( Always as a precaution in case of bad marks in the near future) It appears that the teacher has managed to 'overlook' this paticular topic when she was teaching us about the magnetic waves. And that paticular topic came out in the bloody paper! Maybe you would say that I probably wasn't paying attention when she was teaching. But she really didn't teach that subject. And the reason why I'm so pissed off by this whole thing is because later that night, the tuition teacher taught us about the whole topic.

Now I understand. And boy, was I depressed on how many mistakes I made in the paper. Maybe I should have read a little more ( because I don't really study on my own anyway..)

What I told my mother made her pissed off saying something about 'students nowadays think they are better than teachers'...Then I retaliated by saying that most of the teachers at school keep their knowledge to themselves...which is why I turn to my tuition teacher.

I'm not saying that all school teachers are bad. Some DO practice the 'open-sessions' where anyone is free to speak. The only class I can freely speak as I wish is the wonderful English Literature class. Otherwise, the other classes are just like spitting it out from the text books. I love interactive classes. But those are just...blehhhh~

There are three teachers whom I actually enjoy my classes with. The first has got to be my Physics/ Maths tuition teacher. My friend introduced to me to this wonderful guy. I love his classes. It's like learning science all over again. And the fact that he is always open to any questions or doubts, he'll be happy and willing to assist, makes me, the 'inquisitive one' as contented as she can be... :P. He fuses his lessons into the exercises he makes us do. And I, being the one who loves brain-teasers and competition, never regretted stepping in to that class. Maybe it's because the class is small. Maybe because it's 7o% interacting and 30% teaching. I don't know. He's better than all my school teachers added up together.

Maybe except my English Literature teacher. But sometimes, she can be prone to a little droning..

The last teacher is my Sunday school teacher. Now his classes are a 90% interacting and 10% teaching. And his students learn more about life than anywhere else. Not even your favorite tuition centers can beat him. He talks on political, racial and religious issues in the class. Once he even talked about the gospel of Judas & the gospel of Dan Brown.."What's all this hype about those things? You people are ignoring all the other important things such as the poor and the sick in the third-world countries..and if you want the watch the movie, watch it! I believe you are all mature enough to separate fact from fiction." What I like about him is that; he treats us like adults; is always open to views no matter who you are, heck, he treats us as though we are his drink buddies...A role model? you've got it.

Back to reality. After telling my mother about the teacher who 'has gold in her mouth', she told me off saying that I needed to put in my OWN initiative. Which I will have problems with that in the future. I need people to guide me, no matter what they say about teenager wanting independence...

You contradicting fool!

My dad who just came back from Sudan picked me up from tuition and asked me " How are you?"

And so, in the 5-second time frame I have to give my respond, I thought:

How am I? Well, physically I am well..except for that little sore throat. But inside mentally? How would you want me to answer? After 3 months of being away, you ask me how I am?
I might be able to answer if you asked me about the weather, or which clothes are the hardest to iron..( The kain for the baju kurung..:P) or how I did in the monthly exam. Not about my welfare...well, it's well taken care of, for your information dad, but I think my being is quite disturbed, I must say...

No, it's not depression. No! It's not stress! Bloody hell! I'm not losing my mind!!!! FCUK OFF!..well, we could compromise on the latter, couldn't we..hahahaha...

Archangel Michael: May I interject?
Michelle : Do I even have a choice, my dear good friend?

Archangel Michael: I wouldn't give it to you, dear... but this is what you can tell your dad..I've noticed that recently, you have been extremely short-tempered, unrationale and worst of all; bad judgement... And must I mention stubborness?

Michelle: I got that from my mother..and besides I was having PMS at that time so..

AM: Oh, and being defensive and wishy-washy about things..what did your teacher say? Going round the bush or something like that.

Michelle : You know I hate doing that, but it just happens nowadays whether I want it or not..I am in a disarray, sometimes I wish I could just start over. But now, I am having a little more fun at school with my fun-loving friends..not like those I used to sit with..

AM: Miss S?

Michelle : Oh, yes...

AM: Oh well, she was nice. I'll miss her presence..

Michelle: I'm actually quite satisfied with my life now...the academic, the social life, religious life..but then when I think about all that's happened in the past, I cry.

AM: You bloody 'woman-with-issues', all you have to do is let go and forget and FORGIVE yourself! God has forgiven you already and if you want others to sympathize with you, sorry, you've got the wrong number sister!

Michelle: It's harder than you think...the more I try to forget, the more I hate myself..I'm becoming everything I used to hate..

Archangel Michael: Remember Michelle, that I will always be at your side to the death. I will guide you along as you move along with time and when trouble stirs up again, I will....

"Michelle!"an exasperated father shouted.
"Huh?" I realized that I have passed the maximum time of giving a response...
"How are you? "he asked.

And I answered with the full evaluation of my 5 second debate in me;

"I'm okay"

Trial and error?? Tchah!

This week is Holy Week. Which Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday & Easter Sunday all fall on. And I'm supposed to be at my best behaved self. Which I find it all very hard to do...

I went to church today, not because I'm feeling holy & all; but because I actually felt guilt. Not because of what I've done; but what I've done to a certain comrade. I blatantly blamed her for something she absolutely did not do, because my mind was at a certain rate of desparation to just blame anyone that resulted my demise for my own comfort, in spite of myself.

Instead of just asking her right there and then, I decided to keep silent to myself and bury my false disgust & contempt for all the things she did not do. And when I received the ego-crushing truth, I didn't apologize to her. I thought of just doing that after I cooled down a bit...did I? NOOOOooooOO~ I didn't even bother smiling at her.I just continued ignoring her, taking cue from her doing the same thing unto me.

Now she has moved to the other side of the class to be with her bumi friends and my gang member has come to join over the dark side!!HAHAHAHA...just one more left to complete the four of us..the 'kuali gang'..Now that we're both happy with who we're sitting with; ( she'll have more fun with people who share the same passion of telenovelas, footie & thrashy drama chits) & (I'll have fun playing a fool around with my fun members instead of boring myself to death with a girl who doesn't believe in having fun physically...)

I don't expect to forgive me. We both have been sharing the same thing for over 4 years; to lack to forgive or to say sorry. Which is exactly what we're doing unto each other now. My ego is turning me away from even mentioning the word 'sorry'. Her pride is stopping her from offering me peace...But I don't blame her. She has every right to be angry with me. I do not deserve such a sweet, innocent young chit for a friend. She'll be better off without me. She deserves every right to call me 'that woman'...I am still not going to say sorry. After reevaluating our friendship fpr the past couple of years, and (again!) presuming what would happen if I did say sorry...Hah! I'd rather eat my shoe than to give in...protecting my ego right now is the only thing that is keeping my head high. That is what keeping me sane right now with all the trouble brewing deep inside me...

Still I weep, for the evil I have selfishly and stupidly done unto her...

Recent ruminitions

I pride myself on everything I am except for one thing...my lack of stealth. No matter what I do, it always gets found out in the end. Especially things I don't want others to find out. Oh, the irony.

I just felt like it because when I see others do it effortlessly and flawless as though it's just a part of your everyday life, I get covetous easily. For some it may seem like something you do; something wrong; the biggest crime; … but I view it as a goal, it big accomplishment for me that is worthy of self-praise..

But when I did it, the world went tumbling down upon me in one heap! I did feel a bit euphoric (just a 1/5 fraction of what I felt after getting my monthly test results…: P) that I’ve accomplished one of my goals. I’ve ticked it off my ‘things-to-do’ lifelong list.

Then some people, who obviously don’t share the same passion with me… (hahaha~) felt that they are responsible for my ‘mistake’ and decided to counsel me by giving warnings and use-full(less) advice. Which of course I naturally turn a deaf ear upon all their ramblings…There were repercussions, nothing too big except one. But it will be fixed anyway, so I don’t really worry about it. Now in this process of trying to reason with these people, I managed to hurt a comrade’s feelings by doing what I do best; presume & assume. Blaming is an extension of that skill. The problem is, I no longer feel guilt or remorse. But I only felt sorry for hurting feelings of those around me…That is what I’m trying to fix.

But then, comes ego. I always had a problem saying this word ‘sorry’ especially for big things. I always turn defensive and in the end, those who find fault in me often give up. So, if by any chance the comrade or a friend of her should read this, I send my apologies to her.

The deed:

I played truant.

Tres Magnifique!

Last Thursday, a few friends and I decided to attend a piano workshop & concert by the Spaniard; Mr. David Gomez, as a celebration for the end of the monthly test. Here's the introduction I've taken from the concert leaflet, if you don't know who the hell this guy is. ( NOT to be confused with the Malaysian Indian David gomez, the jazz musician, mind you..)

"Spanish pianist David Gomez, born in 1974 first received his professional concert piano diploma from the Conservatorio de Palma de Mallorca, Spain. Giving his first concert at the age of 15, David further perfected his performance under the guidance of many famous pianists.
This pianist has gained international recognition and has played in legendary theatres such as National Concert Hall in Dublin, St Martin in The Fields in London, Cairo Opera House, Chicago Cultural Center, Pushkin Museum in Moscow and more. "

Well, honestly, I've never heard of the guy. Until I saw the advert in the small corner of the Tempo section from the NST newspaper. Constance asked me if I wanted to go since she had 6 tickets to the concert. What made me say yes, was when she told me it was absolutely free! So I happily skipped my Maths tuition class with Syahira and tagged along with Connie, Shaz, Fiona, and Soo Teng.

When we got there, the hall was filled with a disappointing number of people clumped here and there. . Then, BOOM! As we took our seats, we caught sight of the gorgeous and breathtaking view of the grand piano ( The guy actually..haha). He looked so much better than the picture in the leaflet!. It says he was 32 this year but he looked as though he was 23..And the beige suit he wore over a striped business shirt made us giggle with glee...Well, you know how we, the local girls act around those Europeans..

He came over to ask for volunteers to play the piano. I said I couldn't play without a score ( Later, he reprimanded the crowd for not bringing their scores) and encouraged SooTeng to play instead. A girl whom later I got to know as Sherleen, 16 got up to play first and BOY, was she good or what..I got to know that she is currently finishing up her diploma course and waiting for her SPM before she takes up her job offer to teach music in Singapore. How lucky is that?

Soo Teng played a Japanese piece she was supposed to perform at a Yamaha concert back in Kajang on Friday. Real nice. She's taking her diploma too this year in practical. Both girls are not quite done with their theory in music yet. Like Sherleen's father said " You're either good in practical, or theory." I guess that applies to me. I'm too lazy to practice my piano pieces.


David Gomez was helping those who went up to play better. I muffled a laugh as he began to push the girls on their backs to apply more pressure on the keys as they play the songs. So I guessed those who went in front were the only one that benefited from it.

from left: Me! , Sherleen & soo teng

Anyway, we got a 3 hour brake in between before the concert. So the whole of us started arguing on whether we should go to Sogo or just plain McD. I wanted to go to Sogo to redeem a three-piece gift set from Shisheido. The girls want to go to Mc D because they say the streets of KL look scary at night..bullshit, we ended up at Mc D chatting until 7.30. After a little shopping at Watson's, we walked back to the Panggung Bandaraya to find the handsome David Gomez in a sleek black tux, talking to the Spanish Ambassadors in Spanish. I noticed Syahira and Shazwani swooning already beside me. The effect of watching too many Spanish telenovelas.. Got his autograph before anyone else. Had a little chat with him before we proceeded to the concert hall. This man is really friendly!

We were supposed to sit in the back row, but somehow, the concert turned into a free-seating thing, so Soo Teng, Sherleen & father, and I sat in the second row..The rest sat in the middle because they felt 'shy'..And the maestro started playing..Oh, it was lovely. Far beyond any word I can come up with to describe it. It was aneccentricc mix of jazz, romantic period music, and a bit of tango here and there. Though it was rudely interrupted with his sharp, buzzing breathing and the creaking piano chair..hahaha..it was a night to remember for a singleton like me.

You can hear some of his work here :www.davidgomezpiano.com

At the end of the show, we managed to snap some photographs with him and slip him a thank you card. He says he would reply, but you know it never happens..

-Michelle & Sherleen getting all flabbergasted with David!-

The next day at school I fell terribly sick..The friends who were busy teasing me (Ooh, michelle's completely in love with this guy & she's flirting back with him the whole time) ;were now gushing over how manly and gorgeous he looked. Now the whole class wants me to wash the pictures as soon as possible. I went back home with a M.C after recess feeling sicker than ever..

Well, after all that, I realised that all I need to do is to practice more. I have to play the piano as though I am making love to the piano. Another part of me inside is telling me to ignore all that, and just continue listening to my favourite jazz hour on the radio, Tuesday nights..

Just another day before exam.

Mr. Pelly forced all of us to participate in the PMPC 2006.

That's right.

The "Pastoral Malaysian Pre-Convention"..or something like that.

Usually the people will tell us the good stuff and hide all the bad stuff on these kind of meetings.

But, not Mr. Pelly

He told us that he's sending us there to make us suffer. To make sure we know how the feeling is like for an event that repeats itself each decade.
And every decade, it's the same old thing repeated again & again.
PMPC is a meeting held with all the parishioners on the church (and its ppl) on the developments.

I felt like a living corpse.

Most of the time I went out to the bathroom to "refresh" myself.

In the end I couldn't take it any more.

This is where I ended up. The Cyber cafe typing this. Haha.

Camp fever. Exam fever!

Just recently, the different churches around the Kuala Lumpur archdiocise organized a vocation camp for the youths. Now, basically I went there for a spirit enlightenment or something ( Lord, forgive me for saying this) But most of the time I was busy getting to know almost everyone who asked for my name at the camp..haha..Not that it was bad in anyway..but I rather the Life in the Spirit seminar. I found that one better.

Come Monday. End of school holiday. First day of exam this year. (school exam that is. The resit for my Grade 8 music theory last monday doesn't count) Also the last march monthly exam of my school life. And i haven't prepared for it. Haha. The irony makes me gag. If there are any that is.

Quick! sorry

I wish I could elaborate, but I'm running out of time to be online so I'll be brief and short for now.

Too many things happened this week and I'm dying to write a book-lengthed post about it..maybe another day.

1. I got kicked out of the debate team! For being too nice and loyal to ppl I befriended, this is what I get? Stepped on and beaten through & through. Hah. I'm not backing out yet. I still might have a chance..

2. CONVENT WON AGAIN IN ZONE LEVEL!!! YES!!! (but it could've been nicer if Saujana were in the finals)

3. Sports day! I got the silver medal for the 200m race! Yay! Blue house got 3rd place for the 1st time in 23 years after being in the last spot since..I dunno. :D

Debate

Yes!!!I've finally made it to the debate team!!! I don't know how, but I did it!! I was selected to go into the research team!! Yay!!

The teacher proposed a small briefing meeting in the library; it'd never seemed so full before! There were plenty of over-esthuistic girls and those who just kept quiet. All my juniors. I was lost amidst the sea of these over-excited chattering females. The only 17 year old. Thankfully I quickly made forged a friendship with two 15-year-old girls who seemed to have experience in debating; One was an ex-debater, the other is a daughter of an ex-debater. And I? Just someone who got interested after watching a few debate matches. HAHAAHA~ Wonderful.

Then the hard part. The selection process. There were about >40 girls in the room. And only a minimum of 5 would be in the main team. ( 3 active speakers & 2 reserves) Thankfully the 14 &13 year old girls were called by the teacher to step out for a 'talk'. So that leaves the seniors. Still about more than ten left. After about 10 agonizing minutes, the teacher called out the names after giving the usual motivation speech: (you can do better, you have the potential... all of you do. But we need the best of the best since we're running out of time..so try again next year)

I was selected together with..surprise-surprise..Darma decided to turn up after all. That means I'm not the only Form 5 here..haha

Topics this year are as stupid as usual:

1. Modern inventions have made us lazy
2. the internet is a devil in disguise
3. teen social problems are caused by bad parenting
4. Sex education should be taught in school..(ooh, the ministry is getting us to do their homework)

Discussion was hell..in the end, we didn't even get anything out of it. Now excuse me while I do my research for the topics.

Burned-out????

Haih...it's getting so hard nowadays to think of anything to write about these days...I'm getting burned out! Everyday I have something to do; tuitions, classes, and the rest of it. It all sums up to about 10 hours for me to sleep, eat and..er, well..do my homework & study? (yeah right..the word study doesn't belong in your vocabulary Michelle)

So I try my best to make time for myself. I admit it. I'm a social-maniac. I need at least someone to talk to each day or else I'll get freaked out and get bouts of hysterias!!

I thought I would be able to handle it..all the club and librarian administrative work. Bullshit!! My classmates don't see it, (because I hide it so well with my famous fake smile and high-pitched laugh) but damn, do I feel stressed out or what. Plus, with the deadline of the Moral project & the BRATZ essay coming up..I really wonder how I stay sane with all of this.

A part of me just feels like letting it all go..moving to a different school as a normal student, with no cares, no expectations from your friends and teachers, less responsibility and more freedom and happiness. Happiness..ah..such a distant feeling~The real Michelle (the evil & the nice added up together) hates being tied down. She's a real freedom seeker and is at her happiest when there are no cares at all in earth. Looks like that will only happen at the event of my death..haih...

Yet a part of me still wants me to hang on to it all..despite all the pain. Just for the papers..hahaha..stupid certificates. That's the main reason I'm hanging on. And for the fun of it.

Rock on!

I just can't get enough of emo..no..That's not it.

Rock music. Yeah! That's it.

There's where my heart really is

Alternative, Metal, Brit rock, screamo, acid jazz...

I wished the local radio stations would play more my kind of music and less of that New-Boyband-Rock-group music..with all that pretty boys and stuff like that..

Yet, I still like hip-hop cuz' it gets me on my feet. That's the problem with some screamos, as much as I love them. You can't do anything but headbang..

Tuition verses teachers

Oh boy, it's only the first month and I've already broken one of my New Year's resolution..

Nothing to do with my social life (it's just fine and dandy, thank you very much)

It's the busy and tight schedule I have now. I never expected Form 5 life to be that hard!
I mean, the was the school moved all the Co-curricullum activities to the weekdays is one thing, but I have a suspicion that the teachers are doing this in order to prevent us from going to tuition centers..

The teachers are getting really annoying. All of them seem to have a grudge on these tuition centers..(save one, she offers tuition classes herself..Hahaha, how ironic..) Why? It's not going to change the amount of the salary they receive anyway..Yet, everyday at the start of each class, they give a prep talk to discourage us from joining all this extra help things..It's not the teachers..I mean, some of them are good and all but they won't work with everyone.Everybody has a preference of their own.

I for example, prefer individual attention because, then, I would'nt shift my attention somewhere else when someone is paying full attention to me! Hahaha..We do need extra help in our studies. Because the government won't consider changing the examination-based school we go to, what do you expect? Tuitions are popping out everywhere. We students just can't resist the smell of getting better grades at school..(and the chance of getting to meet new members of the opposite sex..hehehehe)

Even the good students go for tuitions.( God knows why) I have one friend my ( who's one of the top scorers anyway, but none of them can beat me at the English Language..HAHAHA..pardon my egocentricity) who goes for 3..Yes, THREE different tuition classes for the same subject, Add Maths. And she doesn't even need them. Her analytical state of mind far surpasses all those in my school..And she's highly considering the job prospect of being an acturist. For God's sake, I don't know how she fits everything into her schedule..Chemistry, piano, Physics, Biology,religious school, Modern maths, Add Maths, Accounts, Malay language( something else she's perfect at..Hey I'm good as well, my teacher just praised me over my sentence building yesterday..), and other things..Maybe I should go for tuition under her for time management. That's something I'm very bad at.

Which reminds me, my piano class is in one hour's time and I haven't practised my songs or done my theory homework yet. And I'm not supposed to be using the computer until I finish all my homework.

Oh well, you can't beat the heart of a 'true blogger'..

Yesterday I was reconciled with my true love..the one I selfishly locked away in my heart for myself..it has been so long since I met him..

The books o' my school library!!! Oh, how I cherished every single one of you..even the crappy books meant for those who are just starting to set their foot in the literature world~All the Macmillian school-based novels..The feeling is indescribable!!!

I was there yesterday to help the teachers process the new books and to make the library fit for humans to venture in..Just the joy of being able to borrow and savour these books after processing and registering them thrills me as much as it pains me to be in the knowledge that some fool would borrow the books and respect it as though it was toilet tissue paper..Well, I guess it's a way for Literature to grow..even though it has to start from the bottom..

There were these boring BM books the new library teacher chose ( I never said she was a good decision maker..but then again, those books were sponsered by the government..hmm), the Hardy Boys collection, and the lovely, lovely literary books! O' of Twain, Defoe, Doyle, Verne & the other great writers the world can ever find..I found it all here! Well, the books don't pay justice to the maestros because they are all abridged and rearranged to be fit for the secondary students' IQ capacity. Hmmpph! Such an insult. Would you imagine what the choleric Mr. Twain would have said if he knew what these scoundrels did to his works of art??

I was instructing and giving pointers to some newly recruited-librarians to label the Hardy Boys books when one of them reported to me the missing numbers of Books #2 & #59. How could this happen?? All the books were checked in and throughly before they even made it here! Then the teacher told me that those books were unavailable in Malaysia since they dissent with the teachings and beliefs of the Islam religion..

Not that I support that, I personally would boycott the book if it touches sensitive issues on Christianity..such as the highly successful Da Vinci Code. This is a democratic country..so what happened to the open-mind thing? Everyone deserves free speech. It's a free world after all..If you can allow the Da Vinci Code, why not Hardy Boys? Just two books to complete the collection and that's it!..

Well, I'm not really a big fan of the Hardy Boys nor have I any interest in the politics business..sometimes a love or a hobby can be overwhelming to me..

It's finally over for good

It's officially over.

I called him a last time to confirm it.

Because he can never say something to me unless it's from a mouth of another friend.

His friend said the guy still loved me.

He denied every single thing as usual.

I'm fed up! So now I consider myself rid of him forever. He's just another one of the heartbreakers..But thanks, Vicky. You've opened up my eyes to this bigger world after setting me free. I know you're not going to read this. You never do. But, hey..I'm free! I'm finally free!

Just a day in school.. a LONG LONG day

I'm having such a freakin' great time at school now..It's a really nice feeling to watch my friends struggle with Additional Maths while I just sit down there and stare at the teacher's face.

Apparently, I'm the first Pure Science student to drop Additional Mathematics in my Form..but somehow, no one is really affected by the choice I made. My teacher didn't even flinch when I told her about me dropping the subject. Why? Because for the whole previous year, I had never paid attention in her class nor have I done any of the homework given to us. It had no effect on my parents because it is them, who suggested that I drop the subject if I want to!

Hell yeah, so it didn't long for me to make my mind. I don't like the subject..I find it easy to fail..basicly I'm just not the analytical type..I'm more the logical, language & general knowledge person. Modern Mathematics seems fine to me. I don't have a problem getting an A1 for that..Fuck Add maths. Fuck the stereotyping that Add Maths is a MUST for university applicants. Heck, does "Tassels" ( I hope I got that right) actually need Additional Maths? I don't think so.

I've been pretty busy at school lately-as a treasurer for two clubs, form representative for a club and the dicipline head for the Librarians..things would never come easy I tell you..Today we had a talk for the heads, secretaries, and treasurers for all the clubs in a management course..Pure bullshit. I wasted 2 hours listening to the teachers admiring their own voice with nothing..Well, just a bit I guess. I learnt some things I need to do as a treasurer I guess. All it did was just create guilt in me when one mentioned the responsibility of keeping the money safe & sound.
I lost the money I collected for one club last year in a break-in.

If you've been following the local news lately, the government has been talking about lifting the ban on bringing mobile phones to school! The dicipline teacher talked about that today, and once we get a letter confirming the change, we'll be able to bring the phones and show it off to our friends! Yay!

Problem is: I don't have a mobile phone with me yet. :(

And..without furthur ado..SHE'S BACK to the show !

Yes, people!

Michelle's back to business~
No (almost) depression, no more insecurities, no more pahetic heartbreaks..uh-uh~

She's regained her confidence and pride, will isolate herself less now, and is definately primed to meet new people without fear!