Trial and error?? Tchah!

This week is Holy Week. Which Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday & Easter Sunday all fall on. And I'm supposed to be at my best behaved self. Which I find it all very hard to do...

I went to church today, not because I'm feeling holy & all; but because I actually felt guilt. Not because of what I've done; but what I've done to a certain comrade. I blatantly blamed her for something she absolutely did not do, because my mind was at a certain rate of desparation to just blame anyone that resulted my demise for my own comfort, in spite of myself.

Instead of just asking her right there and then, I decided to keep silent to myself and bury my false disgust & contempt for all the things she did not do. And when I received the ego-crushing truth, I didn't apologize to her. I thought of just doing that after I cooled down a bit...did I? NOOOOooooOO~ I didn't even bother smiling at her.I just continued ignoring her, taking cue from her doing the same thing unto me.

Now she has moved to the other side of the class to be with her bumi friends and my gang member has come to join over the dark side!!HAHAHAHA...just one more left to complete the four of us..the 'kuali gang'..Now that we're both happy with who we're sitting with; ( she'll have more fun with people who share the same passion of telenovelas, footie & thrashy drama chits) & (I'll have fun playing a fool around with my fun members instead of boring myself to death with a girl who doesn't believe in having fun physically...)

I don't expect to forgive me. We both have been sharing the same thing for over 4 years; to lack to forgive or to say sorry. Which is exactly what we're doing unto each other now. My ego is turning me away from even mentioning the word 'sorry'. Her pride is stopping her from offering me peace...But I don't blame her. She has every right to be angry with me. I do not deserve such a sweet, innocent young chit for a friend. She'll be better off without me. She deserves every right to call me 'that woman'...I am still not going to say sorry. After reevaluating our friendship fpr the past couple of years, and (again!) presuming what would happen if I did say sorry...Hah! I'd rather eat my shoe than to give in...protecting my ego right now is the only thing that is keeping my head high. That is what keeping me sane right now with all the trouble brewing deep inside me...

Still I weep, for the evil I have selfishly and stupidly done unto her...